They sat close together on the couch and watched the crackling fire with half-lidded eyes. The wine in their glasses almost matched the color of her lips and America couldn’t quite figure out which of the two was more intoxicating.
In a coffee shop, they sat nearly shoulder to shoulder under warm orange lights as the chill of the night air watched them enviously from outside. The aroma of hot apple cider took their senses on a journey as Japan listened and America told stories.
“So, I’m standing in the doorway to his office.” Already Ameria was grinning. “Puttin’ the saucy on, you know, wiggling my ass, a little bit of eyebrow signaling–cause, you know, this war was huge for me. If I defeat the British Empire, I’ll look like such a badass.”
We all love music right? For me, music is a powerful way to analyze and explore political themes and events. I want to share some of that fun with you guys, so here’s a smooth, electro-pop playlist exploring the historical and present day US-Japan relationship through the lens of modern Japan.
“You’ve been screwing me big time in trade. Well guess what? I’m gonna screw you. I’m gonna screw you so hard–twice as hard as you’ve ever screwed me. You get that? I’m gonna be the best screwer you’ve seen. Believe me.”
Okay now that that SEO junk is outta the way, please hear me out.
You gotta vote. I know you’re thinking, “But they both suck” or “I’m a socialist so I hate both candidates and I want Bernie back” or even “F*** the system, I’m not gonna vote!”
Listen, if you don’t vote, the terrorists win.
Voting isn’t just a right, it’s your only shot at making sure that a raving asshat isn’t running your country.
I won’t tell you who to vote for. But to encourage you to actually carry yourself to the polls, you can read on for two WORST CASE SCENARIOS if either candidate gets elected. If it scares you, use your voting power to prevent a terrible future–just one of them, anyway.
Trump says some awful things, right? Most of it is pretty ridiculous. It becomes even more ridiculous when we pretend to attribute his quotes to countries that didn’t actually say these things, but very well could have.
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” – America, talking about himself
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.” – China
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” – Also China
“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” – Russia
Today marks the day I went from being Britain’s bitch to being the (objectively) greatest country in the world. But you guys probably already know all about that. So instead of giving you a history lesson, I’m gonna give you five reasons why July 4th is the best holiday of the year.
Guest post written by the United States of America. He implores you to follow his Twitter and like his Facebook page if you love yourself.
Happy birthday to me!
[Cue trumpets blaring the Star-Spangled Banner as a flock of bald eagles soar over the White House]
It’s ya boy, the United States aka: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, America the Beautiful, Great Satan, Yankee Bastard, Thicc N Creamy, Mr. Melting Pot, Capitalist Extraordinaire.
Today marks the day I went from being Britain’s bitch to being the (objectively) greatest country in the world. But you guys probably already know all about that. So instead of giving you a history lesson, I’m gonna give you five reasons why July 4th is the best holiday ever.