Would You Veto a Popcorn Machine?

See, kids? That’s what heavy industrialization and 500 years of chain-smoking will do to ya.

Once in a while, you have to make a yearly budget. You also have to periodically reflect on your financial priorities because some people can’t be trusted.


“So, bit of a funny story,” England said to the other members of the Security Council sitting in the conference room. “I was looking through the budget proposals when I see something just a little strange.” He slid the thick budget book to the center of the table and with a pen pointed to a particular line on the page. “This says ‘2AM runs to McDonald’s.’ And, it gets better, we’ve got $1000 set aside for that. One-thousand dollars, eight-hundred and ninety-three Euros, six-thousand something yuan–whatever the hell you want.”

He looked around the room. “Now, who wants to take a little guess at which one of us thinks we need one-thousand dollars for McDonald’s?”

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Recently at the United Nations…

Israel! Jerusalem! A vote to challenge America’s sovereignty, or something.

A vote was held within the security council that called for America to take back his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.

UK: America, what you’ve done also recognizes–and furthermore, legitimizes–Israel’s annexation of East Jerusalem and its settlement-building. Don’t you see how this might create problems?

France: Such a harsh departure from international norms puts you at odds with the rest of the community, yet your cooperation is imperative to peace efforts.

America: [He looks down, brow burrowing in what appears to be self-reflection]

Okay, okay, I hear you. Maybe I was being careless. Maybe I did threaten regional stability. Maybe this would be a roadblock to peacefully resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict. Clearly, this issue is something all of you feel strongly about, and your adamant consensus is persuasive. So, you know what I’ll do?

I’ll use my . . . VETOOOO. That’s right, I win. Oh, I got outnumbered 14 to 1? Doesn’t. Even. Matter. With one word, I destroyed your votes. Absolutely annihilated. Who do you think you are? Y’all straight up EMBARRASSING yourselves right now. You don’t tell ME what to do, I tell YOU what to do. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. Happy Hanukkah. MERRY CHRISTMAS. I’m OUT. Goodbye. Fuck you.

And so it went.

My trip to the United Nations

Recently I stumbled upon a magic lamp. “What do you desire most?” the genie asked. “I want to go to the United Nations,” I told him. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” he replied. Angry, I asked, “What? You can’t grant my wish?” “No,” he said, “I’m just sorry to hear that the thing you want most is to go to the UN.”

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MAD 4: We need a war

To see previous  chapters of this series, click here.

“The United States of America has just been destroyed by an all-out nuclear attack.”

“What?” America screeched. He paused before screeching louder. “What?”

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry, everyone…” Germany adjusted the podium mic with an apologetic smile. “That was, ah, that was the wrong one. My mistake.”

“Who the hell even submitted that one?” America gawked with the sudden urge to shoot an incriminate glance toward the Middle East.

“The appropriate follow-up scenario will now be read now.” Carefully, Germany flipped through a few pages in the little notebook he was holding. Upon finding the right page, he began. “An ICBM was detected heading for California, but failed to reach its intended target and instead landed off the coast in territorial waters. The source of the attack is presently unknown.”

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