America remembers five of his past romantic relationships and how he completely ruined them.
Being stuck in bed with a dangerously high fever and no strength to do anything but stare at the TV had repercussions, particularly when you end up watching Hallmark and prime time television for three days straight.
That night, the mix of delirium from the sickness combined with 72 hours worth of romcom reruns and soap operas had America in a very particular mood: reminiscing about past relationships.
Coming to a close soon, 2016 was a rough year for a lot of people. The world of politics and world affairs was rocked with unpredictable phenomena and big, often worrying, changes. This post highlights 10 of the most absurd events that occurred this past year, in no particular order.
“You’ve been screwing me big time in trade. Well guess what? I’m gonna screw you. I’m gonna screw you so hard–twice as hard as you’ve ever screwed me. You get that? I’m gonna be the best screwer you’ve seen. Believe me.”
Okay now that that SEO junk is outta the way, please hear me out.
You gotta vote. I know you’re thinking, “But they both suck” or “I’m a socialist so I hate both candidates and I want Bernie back” or even “F*** the system, I’m not gonna vote!”
Listen, if you don’t vote, the terrorists win.
Voting isn’t just a right, it’s your only shot at making sure that a raving asshat isn’t running your country.
I won’t tell you who to vote for. But to encourage you to actually carry yourself to the polls, you can read on for two WORST CASE SCENARIOS if either candidate gets elected. If it scares you, use your voting power to prevent a terrible future–just one of them, anyway.
Trump says some awful things, right? Most of it is pretty ridiculous. It becomes even more ridiculous when we pretend to attribute his quotes to countries that didn’t actually say these things, but very well could have.
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” – America, talking about himself
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.” – China
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” – Also China
“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” – Russia