Current Events: Everyone Wants a Piece of North Korea

Ever since the winter Olympics when the two Koreas took flamethrowers to their chilled and strained relationship, a diplomatic firestorm has been raging in East Asia–and that is not necessarily a bad thing. With an inter-Korea summit and Trump-Kim summit on the rise, the region has been a flurry of wild political activity. But how did this all unfold and what does it mean to and for the countries involved? In this, I try to explain.

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Recently at the United Nations…

Israel! Jerusalem! A vote to challenge America’s sovereignty, or something.

A vote was held within the security council that called for America to take back his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.

UK: America, what you’ve done also recognizes–and furthermore, legitimizes–Israel’s annexation of East Jerusalem and its settlement-building. Don’t you see how this might create problems?

France: Such a harsh departure from international norms puts you at odds with the rest of the community, yet your cooperation is imperative to peace efforts.

America: [He looks down, brow burrowing in what appears to be self-reflection]

Okay, okay, I hear you. Maybe I was being careless. Maybe I did threaten regional stability. Maybe this would be a roadblock to peacefully resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict. Clearly, this issue is something all of you feel strongly about, and your adamant consensus is persuasive. So, you know what I’ll do?

I’ll use my . . . VETOOOO. That’s right, I win. Oh, I got outnumbered 14 to 1? Doesn’t. Even. Matter. With one word, I destroyed your votes. Absolutely annihilated. Who do you think you are? Y’all straight up EMBARRASSING yourselves right now. You don’t tell ME what to do, I tell YOU what to do. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. Happy Hanukkah. MERRY CHRISTMAS. I’m OUT. Goodbye. Fuck you.

And so it went.

Uncomfortable Japanese sashimi

When Japan picked up the phone she was greeted by a very distressed American.
“Philippines is going to your place today, right? Ask–ask her why she hates me.”
“Are you going to cry?”
“She did me dirty. That shit was hurtful!”
“Please don’t cry.”

Photo by Dennis Wong

And so, the drama from yesterday continues.

When Japan picked up the phone she was greeted by a very distressed American.

“Philippines is going to your place today, right? Ask–ask her why she hates me.”

“Are you going to cry?”

“She did me dirty. That shit was hurtful! I mean, you know, I’ve been friends with her for years and suddenly she hates me? What the hell? Is it–is it because I’m weak? But I’m not though, right?”

“Please don’t cry.”

“And China?” America made a noise that sounded caught between a growl and a gag. “She goes for him, of all people? It’s because he’s hot, isn’t it? Is China sexier than me? Japan, be honest.”

“Hold, please.”


She slowly brought the phone away from her ear and hung up.

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Salty North Korean kimchi

Last week, the Philippines announced a foreign policy pivot away from the US and toward China, saying “America has lost.” But that wasn’t all it said.

At the end of what was supposed to be a feel-good film (think: Chinese Homeward Bound), North Korea was crying. But that was normal. What actually concerned China was his friend’s response to a tweet Philippines made earlier that day.


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Blood red Commie water

Photo by lumpi

Based on this article from September 8th. 

Belarus was relieved to hear that she could use Russia’s shower while hers was being repaired. That relief would soon turn into horror.


Russia stood in the bathroom doorway as Belarus examined the shower faucets with scrutiny. Every shower was a different mystifying puzzle that caused inner anguish; how do I turn it on, how do I work temperature, what do I do if it’s too hot or too cold and you’re downstairs and can’t hear my screams?

Russia said, “You know where everything is, don’t you? Let me know if you need anything.” She turned and left, but only got half-way down the hallway before she heard a shriek and went running back.

“What is this?” Belarus sounded like she’d just found a dead body. “Why is it red?”

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Around the World: News round-up

Photo by geralt

Ever feel like you should keep up with the news more but then figure the task is too daunting, depressing, or both? Fear not. I’m here to try to condense notable world happenings into easily digestible nuggets of fun.

This past week…


Brazil handed off the Olympic flag to Japan, whose burning wish it is to in 2020 at least have a cooler opening ceremony than China’s.

A top North Korean diplomat defected to South Korea. The DPRK responded by presenting evidence that the defector has a criminal past. If you think that is a little too convenient, you’ve clearly been brainwashed by the North Korea-hating West.

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