The MAGA Chronicles is a new series that takes you on a journey with Trump’s America, where narcissism and depravity know no bounds.
I never wanted to hurt my sister, but the monster must die.
My hurried footsteps echo against the walls of the bare corridor in time with my heartbeat. Lights flicker overhead. An alarm wails in the distance, but I’m not afraid of what’s coming. Having made love to many, many beautiful countries just before arriving here, all at once, I’m invigorated–and out for blood.
You think North Korea is the only one who gets to tell his story? I’ve read it. It’s absolutely pathetic. I mean, I couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a work of fiction or a New York Times article. Oh, wait, they’re the same thing. And the worst part–let me tell you–is that he makes me looks so bad. #FakeHistory. But I’m a great guy–you know that I’m a great guy. So I’ve decided to set the record straight. You’ll see. You’ll all see.
They say that history is written by the victors, and guess what? I never lose.
“The MAGA Chronicles”
Coming this October
(While you’re waiting, go ahead and read about how America unlocked his final form upon discovering that he’s a hyperpower.)
They sat close together on the couch and watched the crackling fire with half-lidded eyes. The wine in their glasses almost matched the color of her lips and America couldn’t quite figure out which of the two was more intoxicating.
“You’ve been screwing me big time in trade. Well guess what? I’m gonna screw you. I’m gonna screw you so hard–twice as hard as you’ve ever screwed me. You get that? I’m gonna be the best screwer you’ve seen. Believe me.”
Okay now that that SEO junk is outta the way, please hear me out.
You gotta vote. I know you’re thinking, “But they both suck” or “I’m a socialist so I hate both candidates and I want Bernie back” or even “F*** the system, I’m not gonna vote!”
Listen, if you don’t vote, the terrorists win.
Voting isn’t just a right, it’s your only shot at making sure that a raving asshat isn’t running your country.
I won’t tell you who to vote for. But to encourage you to actually carry yourself to the polls, you can read on for two WORST CASE SCENARIOS if either candidate gets elected. If it scares you, use your voting power to prevent a terrible future–just one of them, anyway.
Trump says some awful things, right? Most of it is pretty ridiculous. It becomes even more ridiculous when we pretend to attribute his quotes to countries that didn’t actually say these things, but very well could have.
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” – America, talking about himself
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.” – China
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” – Also China
“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” – Russia
Ever wondered what the future of US foreign affairs would look like if Trump were actually elected? Here’s a look at some of the possible ways we might butcher our international relations.
The US under a Trump presidency:
America: Mexico! Hey! Mexico! Mexico: What? Is that you, Satan? America: What did you just call me? Mexico? Mexico: I can’t—I can’t make out what you’re saying! America: Damn. It’s really hard to talk to someone with a giant Berlin-esque wall between ya. Okay, Plan B. [pulls out phone and dial’s Mexico’s number] Mexico: That’s much better.