America: I throw a killer party. Food? Got it. Beer? Duh. Fireworks? Prepare to have your mind blown. This year, I’ve got this huge, five layer cake with little firecrackers that actually shoot off and start playing the National Anthem. On the bottom layer, there’s a John Hancock figure next to big, cursive letters that say ‘Suck it, Britain.’ At the top of the cake, I’ve got an animatronic Thomas Jefferson popping out with a M140. You press this button and he’ll start shooting off in a semicircle with Pez candy bullets. It’s totally gonna impress everyone.
Canada: Oh, I’m not much of a party girl… I treat myself to a nice breakfast in the morning, then I usually invite a few of my closest allies over and we throw a small party… Last year was a bit wild, though. I don’t remember much, but there is photo evidence of me trying to throw a moose at America.
America: I invite everyone over—the people who like me, the people who want to strangle me… I make sure to send England a special, hand-written invitation. I imagine him getting it in the mail and folding his arms, scoffing under his breath, ‘Wank’a. Bollocks.’ And you know that deep down inside he really wants to go, but he just stands there thinking, ‘God, I’m so alone. I’m alone and I cry myself to sleep at night.’ [whispers] He wants me back.
Canada: It really was embarrassing…. See, I have this special drink I came up with called The Atomic Lumberjack. One part vodka, one part Jager, one part Dr. Pepper, and two parts maple syrup. Add in a bit of Beaver Buzz and top it off with pop rocks. Well, last year, when it all happened, I’d had maybe three shots of the Lumberjack. The whole night was a blur, but I remember waking up on the roof with a trashcan on my head and a tattoo of Sarah Palin on my face. I have since removed the tattoo.
America: [concluding] Yeah, July 4th is a big day for me. It’s kinda the day I proved to everyone that I was way better than Europe.
Canada: I’m not going to be able to get any sleep Friday night, you know? I swear—[freezes as firecrackers go off in the distance] It’s starting. It’s two days before and it’s already starting. [reaches for an Atomic Lumberjack] Happy independence week, eh?
Stay tuned for more Independence Day hype this Friday as America looks back to fond memories of annoying the hell out of England.
It was around 7pm when America’s phone began screaming. He’d let it ring for five seconds too long.
“You treacherous, abusive, bloodthirsty—”
“Hi, North Korea.”
“—despicable, imperialist lackey!”
“Do not patronize me! You should know exactly why I’m calling.”
“Did I look at your side of the world the wrong way again or something?
“Ooh. Oooh! Aren’t you funny! Well, do you know what’s not funny?” And he added quickly to prevent the other from slipping in a snide answer, “Your biased, deceitful, aggressor propaganda!”
“You’ll have to be more specific.”