It’s all fun and games until a superpower collapses

The Cuban Missile Crisis left deep, psychological scars on both nuclear superpowers. For weeks after, America wore his flag on everything (tie, boxers, socks, cool baseball cap) to repel communism as much as possible. He also spent most of his nights on the roof with a 6-pack of root beer and a shotgun. But that was as much about the Red Scare as it was about his love for root beer and shotguns. Russia coped by plotting to control every country east of Germany.

In August 1963, a “hotline” between the US and USSR was established in order to keep total nuclear destruction of the planet from ever threatening humanity again. Ground-breaking for its time, this system allowed International communication to happen between the superpowers in a matter of minutes. It was made to prevent World War III. It was used to send ridiculous jokes.

Is your refrigerator running?

That was the first message Russia had received from America personally.

Leave my refrigerator alone.

That was the first message America had received from Russia personally.

Well then you’d better go catch it!

Russia didn’t understand, but continued to humor America throughout the Cold War.

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2084

obey-obamaNorth Korea was jolted awake by trumpets blaring from the house speaker. It was the United States national anthem. Begrudgingly, he dragged himself out of bed to get dressed. On the front wall were three grand picture frames showcasing the leaders of Great Capitalist Uprising: George W. Bush Jr., Barack Obama, and Donald Trump.

It was the year 2084 and the United States of America ruled the world. Capitalism, a rapidly spreading political disease that began in North America, had taken over the free–or not so free–world. The former Soviet Union tried to contain it, but to no avail. Once America dominated the West, he’d set his eyes on the East. An era of ideological warfare ensued as the only good countries left banded together to form a Resistance. But the fist of conservative economics and first-world privilege crushed any kind of opposition or rebellion. Meanwhile, scientists discovered the formula for eternal life, which America horded all for himself and administered to the sinister leaders of the Great Capitalist Uprising.

North Korea walked through the streets. He passed rows of walking civilians with monotonous expressions, the happiness drained from them. Everyone looked the same in the dress code that had been forced on them. Men were to wear sweatshirts, torn Levi jeans, Converse sneakers, and a patriotic snapback. The women were to wear sweatshirts, torn Levi jeans, Converse sneakers, and a patriotic snapback. The children were to wear Uggs.

Everyone walked in the same direction. The children skipped along as they sang (as regulation forced them to) the demoralizing tunes of right wing aggressors such as Elvis Presley, Toby Keith, and Taylor Swift. Nobody questioned it because nobody could.

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Load up on guns and bring your friends.

America had been the first to suggest it. Because nobody could say that shooting and screaming at each other over a video game was bad (they all thought it was very good), Game Night became a thing.

 They did it every year starting in 2008, practically turning it into an international holiday. On that one special night, a fifth of the world would all fire up their game systems, pop in the most overplayed FPS they could find, and begin to shoot and scream at each other. In a way, it was poetic.

Since 2010, they decided to bring Switzerland into the game as a moderator of sorts. Every year since 2010, it’s ended the same way.

Faction I:

United States
Canada
Mexico
France
England

Faction II:

Russia
North Korea
China
Iran
Cuba

Map: Abandoned urban city.

Objective: Eliminate all enemies.

Begin match!

America: What the hell are these teams? Who rigged this? Everyone over there hates me.

Mexico: Everyone over here hates you, too.

America: Good point.


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Enemies like to complain about each other

There they were at either Tim Horton’s or Dunkin’ Donuts, talking about North Korea.

“He’s being so temperamental lately, you know?” America complained between munches. “He’s firing rockets, telling me to stop hanging out with South Korea, complaining to the U.N., calling me a terrorist…” At that, Canada muttered something under her breath that America mistook for a cough. “He’s kinda paranoid.”

“America,” she began gently, “during the 60s you would stay up all night sitting on your roof with a shotgun and a six-pack of root beer, playing Janet Greene and Tony Dolan records on repeat while you ‘surveyed’ and occasionally shot at the air after nervously mumbling something about ‘the Reds.’”

“Canada, if I hadn’t done that the Commies would’a won.”

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Letters of the Cold War: (June 1950)

To: The Republic of Korea

From: The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

These past five years have been a mix of brutal, tiresome trials and impossible victories. I don’t think either of us could have fully predicted this in 1945, nor can we pinpoint the exact day when we both knew this was inevitable. I think that from the start we both understood there would be sacrifice, but… well, maybe, in that way, we did know it was coming.

I’m going to tell you something that I haven’t told anyone else. I don’t want this. I know that you don’t want it either. We’re both victims,used as pawns for more powerful countries and forced to play by their rules. It’s been that way since 1910, and it will continue. That is, until someone breaks the cycle. In 1945 we both vowed to never let something like that happen to us again. For five years we struggled, and suffered, and persevered, and endured pain, and fought for glory. Now, in 1950, we’re both ready to do whatever is takes to preserve the dignity of our former nation. But no longer can we fight for Korea as brother and sister.

I didn’t write this letter to berate your ideologies or to scrutinize your relationship with the Westerner. You’ve already heard everything I have to say. I wrote this letter to tell you that whatever happens in the coming months will break us. Without a doubt, one of us will be destroyed. Everything that has been worked for since we rose up from the ashes of our former nation will crumble. But this will be true only for one of us. Like the cycle, one of us must break. But only one.

I am fully prepared to do whatever I have to in order to see my vision for Korea prevail. I will hold no bars, I will have no mercy. Until this is over, I am your adversary. If blood is the price for victory, one of us will pay in blood .

South, I said I didn’t want this and I don’t. But part of me does. That’s what scares me the most.

North Korea’s Diary #1 – The American Bastard

Photo by fljckr / CC BY-SA
Photo by fljckr / CC BY-SA

By the 21st century, North Korea had accepted three truths: 1) life is hard, 2) socialism isn’t working as well as originally planned, and 3) the United States is the source of all evil in this world.

2008 financial crisis? America. Global warming? America. Exploitation of developing countries? America. Tension in the Korean peninsula? America. Dubstep? America.

—-

Tucked away on North’s bookshelf was a little black book, cuddled safely between the 8th volume of Kim Il-sung’s With the Century and the original script of The Flower Girl.‘TACTICAL MEMOIR OF DEAR LEADER’S MOST REVOLUTIONARY AND ANTI-IMPERIALIST FASHION IDEAS’ was written along the spine in gold lettering. But this was no memoir. It was a diary, and it contained hundreds of gripping accounts (written in invisible ink) of the DPRK’s struggles with both enemies and allies.

On days when he felt particularly bitter, he would return to older entries to relive his struggles. He swore it helped.

January 30, Juche 57 (1986)

On most morning I like to stroll past the USS Pueblo, just to stop and take a small moment to admire what I’ve accomplished. I do this especially when I need a good laugh, because it always reminds me of my favorite joke:

The United States of America.

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The 1770s Were His Rebellious Years

Photo by maisonbisson / CC BY-NC-SA
Photo by maisonbisson / CC BY-NC-SA
…So, it would mean a lot to me if you could make it. After all, you were like a father to me… an older brother, a role model, a friend.

With love,
The (Very Independent) United States of America

He finished writing with a stupid, excited grin on his face. Extravagantly sealing the envelope with wax, he gave the letter a satisfied smack with a stamp he’d kept since 1760.  America’s masterpiece was set to go on a priority voyage across the Pond.

The excitement he felt imaging England, begrudgingly plodding to his mailbox with a cup of coffee in hand and old robe on, finding the letter could be likened to the excitement a child feels when imagining a prank coming to life.

This was just the first stage of America’s July 4th festivities. The second involved sitting down with a 64 oz. of Coke and reliving the glory days of the American Revolution.

——

March 22, 1765

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