Would You Veto a Popcorn Machine?

See, kids? That’s what heavy industrialization and 500 years of chain-smoking will do to ya.

Once in a while, you have to make a yearly budget. You also have to periodically reflect on your financial priorities because some people can’t be trusted.


“So, bit of a funny story,” England said to the other members of the Security Council sitting in the conference room. “I was looking through the budget proposals when I see something just a little strange.” He slid the thick budget book to the center of the table and with a pen pointed to a particular line on the page. “This says ‘2AM runs to McDonald’s.’ And, it gets better, we’ve got $1000 set aside for that. One-thousand dollars, eight-hundred and ninety-three Euros, six-thousand something yuan–whatever the hell you want.”

He looked around the room. “Now, who wants to take a little guess at which one of us thinks we need one-thousand dollars for McDonald’s?”

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Life After Napoleon

Same as it ever was.

This is a companion piece to the story “Holy.”


Dear America,

You asked how things are faring over here so I will explain with brevity the current state of Europe and its great powers. But first, I would like to get family matters out of the way.

Wales sends her greetings and wants you to know that she has been praying for your safety and prosperity. I was not aware that peculiar crystals were instruments of prayer, but she insisted that she was a “good.l Christian woman” and “not at all a Pagan.” Odd of her to say, as I had not mentioned paganism. When I asked Scotland if he too wanted to send you a message, he inquired about your identity. “Who?” “The United States of America, our estranged son!” Yet he still feigned ignorance. Ireland, a rather new addition to the family, seems to be adjusting well enough. She fears the internal backlash, but it was exactly that backlash that made her feel even stronger the need to unite. Well, she is convinced she has done the right thing, and so am I.

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Country Dating Profiles

Where politics is cold, love is warm.

Can you guess who wrote which one?
(It’s painfully easy.)


Chill guy, super powerful, crazy rich, really hot, great sense of humor. Ordering pizza after sex is mandatory. Preference: anything that moves. If you curvy that’s all good; big is beautiful. I’ll be more attracted to you if you blindly agree with me and support everything I do even when I’m wrong.

***

You think you’re worthy to breathe the same air I breathe? You insignificant beast. Love me. Praise me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You’re less than dirt. Pathetic, pitiful, powerless. Tell me how much you want me, pig. You’re just the jackal howling at my door. My love is a gift you are not worthy to receive. I grant you mercy because I take pity on creatures of lesser intellect, beauty, and purity. Perish, worm.

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Guest post: The Darien Disaster

The Darien expedition to a mosquito-blighted swamp overlooked by forbidding mountains that separated the Pacific and Atlantic coasts was an utter disaster for Scotland.

rusty crown
Photo by Gratis

This a guest post by fellow blogger babbitman, a funny English guy who writes brilliant short stories, among other cool things, on his blog. Check him out, show him some love.

The British Isles, 1690

Wales closed the door quietly behind her and walked across the oak-panelled room to the table where England sat brooding over a map of Europe. He looked up and, although her presence was acknowledged, declined to offer her a seat. It was good for her to know her place as the junior partner in their shared enterprise. He jabbed at the map.

“France has just raided again. Gave our fleet a bloody nose then sacked a port in Devon. And the Gallic swine is now trying to persuade Ireland to join in on his side, all while our Dutch allies are desperate for us to commit against France on the continent. And that’s ignoring the conflicts sparking off in the colonies.”

Wales cocked her head, knowing he hadn’t yet finished. “But there’s something else that’s bothering you?”

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The post-Brexit fallout lads

Brexit
Photo by Elionas2

England and America sat at opposite ends of the couch, beers bottles and a pizza box between them. The thing was, you couldn’t ever look away from America when there was pizza. You’d grab two slices and there’d be six left. Look away for a second. Now there’s two slices left and he’s already eaten half of his share. How is that possible? England stopped asking fifty years ago.

America turned and asked, “How you been, man?”

“Yep.”

“What?”

“Oh, I mean…” England caught a funny look.

“Uh, right, okay. So I, uh, haven’t heard from you guys in a while, ‘cept a few business calls here and there. How’s everyone after the whole Brexit disaster? How’s Scotland? He okay?”

“Uhhhhh…” England stared into his glass. “You could say that.”

Scotland threw the curled newspaper at England. It nailed him in the chest before dropping to the ground. A headline screamed up at them: WE’RE OUT!

“You fucked me! You fucked me, you fucked me, you–“

“Come on, Scotland–“

“Do you know where you fucked me, England?”

“Please don’ say–“

“Right in the ass!”

“There it is.”

In the kitchen, Northern Ireland plopped a bottle of something down on the counter. 

England had to squint. “Is that bleach?”

“It is,” Northern Ireland said. He poured two glasses. “Cheers.”

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“F#@% the European Union”

England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time.

25112888022_8480fe80eb_k.jpg
Photo by jeffdjevdet

The following contains excessive f-bombs and other profanities. Read at your own risk.

England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time. Germany’s microphone made it sound like he was trapped in a wind tunnel. When adding Scotland, the computer insisted that “The person whom you’re trying to reach is not available” even though he was available (gosh dammit).

Eventually the entire call was dropped, repeatedly. After many fruitless efforts and irritating loops of “bloop blop” sounds as Skype struggled to get the call through, everyone decided to stick with typing.

England: Suppose the UK does leave the European Union. Suppose we get our “Brexit.” What then?

Greece: yaaahhh you do it England you guys go and chase your dreams

France: Leave if you so want to 🙂 More room for me~

England: Is that a passive-aggression smiley? Try sounding a little less bitter or far-right, France.

France: 🙂 🙂 🙂

Netherlands: LEAVE
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN
IT’S A TOTALITARIAN MONSTER

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Everyone hates Britain

angerbrits
Do you like my 5 minute Photoshop project?

Britain has a very valuable lesson to teach us: If you colonize someone, they will hate you. There’s another valuable lesson: if you’re an imperialist power, other imperialist powers will hate you. Because almost everyone between the years 1700 and 1900 was a colony or an imperialist, almost everyone hated Britain.

Maybe the best way to illustrate this is through a series of testimonies. Which is exactly why Switzerland decided to conduct interviews with countries whose lives Britain ruined.

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