This is a story of fervor and pain,
of two lovers in political chains.
Have you ever found yourself in a terrible situation because of love? Mexico has. With his last breath drawing near, body wracked with pain as he lay dying in a pool of his own blood, he tries to remember the stupid decisions that lead up to this point so he can regret them one last time.
The Darien expedition to a mosquito-blighted swamp overlooked by forbidding mountains that separated the Pacific and Atlantic coasts was an utter disaster for Scotland.
This a guest post by fellow blogger babbitman, a funny English guy who writes brilliant short stories, among other cool things, on his blog. Check him out, show him some love.
The British Isles, 1690
Wales closed the door quietly behind her and walked across the oak-panelled room to the table where England sat brooding over a map of Europe. He looked up and, although her presence was acknowledged, declined to offer her a seat. It was good for her to know her place as the junior partner in their shared enterprise. He jabbed at the map.
“France has just raided again. Gave our fleet a bloody nose then sacked a port in Devon. And the Gallic swine is now trying to persuade Ireland to join in on his side, all while our Dutch allies are desperate for us to commit against France on the continent. And that’s ignoring the conflicts sparking off in the colonies.”
Wales cocked her head, knowing he hadn’t yet finished. “But there’s something else that’s bothering you?”
England and America sat at opposite ends of the couch, beers bottles and a pizza box between them. The thing was, you couldn’t ever look away from America when there was pizza. You’d grab two slices and there’d be six left. Look away for a second. Now there’s two slices left and he’s already eaten half of his share. How is that possible? England stopped asking fifty years ago.
America turned and asked, “How you been, man?”
“Oh, I mean…” England caught a funny look.
“Uh, right, okay. So I, uh, haven’t heard from you guys in a while, ‘cept a few business calls here and there. How’s everyone after the whole Brexit disaster? How’s Scotland? He okay?”
“Uhhhhh…” England stared into his glass. “You could say that.”
Scotland threw the curled newspaper at England. It nailed him in the chest before dropping to the ground. A headline screamed up at them: WE’RE OUT!
“You fucked me! You fucked me, you fucked me, you–“
“Come on, Scotland–“
“Do you know where you fucked me, England?”
“Please don’ say–“
“Right in the ass!”
“There it is.”
In the kitchen, Northern Ireland plopped a bottle of something down on the counter.
England had to squint. “Is that bleach?”
“It is,” Northern Ireland said. He poured two glasses. “Cheers.”
England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time.
The following contains excessive f-bombs and other profanities. Read at your own risk.
England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time. Germany’s microphone made it sound like he was trapped in a wind tunnel. When adding Scotland, the computer insisted that “The person whom you’re trying to reach is not available” even though he was available (gosh dammit).
Eventually the entire call was dropped, repeatedly. After many fruitless efforts and irritating loops of “bloop blop” sounds as Skype struggled to get the call through, everyone decided to stick with typing.
England: Suppose the UK does leave the European Union. Suppose we get our “Brexit.” What then?
Greece: yaaahhh you do it England you guys go and chase your dreams
France: Leave if you so want to 🙂 More room for me~
England: Is that a passive-aggression smiley? Try sounding a little less bitter or far-right, France.
France: 🙂 🙂 🙂
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN
IT’S A TOTALITARIAN MONSTER
Britain has a very valuable lesson to teach us: If you colonize someone, they will hate you. There’s another valuable lesson: if you’re an imperialist power, other imperialist powers will hate you. Because almost everyone between the years 1700 and 1900 was a colony or an imperialist, almost everyone hated Britain.
Maybe the best way to illustrate this is through a series of testimonies. Which is exactly why Switzerland decided to conduct interviews with countries whose lives Britain ruined.
The air was thick with passion and perspiration. Ten minutes in and already they were wearing each other down. He felt her warm breath on his neck and she could feel his chest heaving against hers. Drunk on raw emotion, they’d given in to their most animalistic desire.