Can you guess who wrote which one?
(It’s painfully easy.)
Chill guy, super powerful, crazy rich, really hot, great sense of humor. Ordering pizza after sex is mandatory. Preference: anything that moves. If you curvy that’s all good; big is beautiful. I’ll be more attracted to you if you blindly agree with me and support everything I do even when I’m wrong.
You think you’re worthy to breathe the same air I breathe? You insignificant beast. Love me. Praise me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You’re less than dirt. Pathetic, pitiful, powerless. Tell me how much you want me, pig. You’re just the jackal howling at my door. My love is a gift you are not worthy to receive. I grant you mercy because I take pity on creatures of lesser intellect, beauty, and purity. Perish, worm.
“Whoever drinks this elixir shall be granted the gift of sight–to see into a person’s heart and know their true character.”
In that particular wing of the United Nations, the air was thick with secrecy.
“Did you bring it?” whispered America.
“Yeah,” Japan whispered back. From her shirt, she pulled a small glass vial that stored a vibrant bluish liquid. America stared at it in awe while Japan reached into her pocket, procured a slip of paper, and read from it. “‘Whoever drinks this elixir shall be granted the gift of sight–to see into a person’s heart and know their true character.’ You try it first,” she suggested, holding it out to him. He shrugged his shoulders.
I want to help you guys get to know the countries better so I decided to begin conducting interviews and bringing you the exclusive scoops. After all, these people run the world so it might be a good idea to understand the inner workings of their minds.
Recently, I was able to land a one-on-one with the ever elusive Japan. (She ignored my first 50 calls, but I am persistent.) Here’s how it went.
Ever since I could remember, there’s been a fire in my heart. It burned with joy, with hate, with love, and so often, now, it burns with a longing for retribution. It told me to keep fighting when I wanted to give up, to keep believing when I felt hopeless. And all my life, that flame has been pulling me toward my destiny.
Leaving the house is a nightmare for me so I only do it out of necessity. This morning I’m meeting America at this cafe but he’s late and I’m early. Well, it won’t hurt to order a drink while I wait. Maybe if I have enough caffeine I will astral project, escaping both this world and my social anxiety.