North Korea’s Valentine’s Day Message to You

Your worth is never determined by who loves you or who you have sex with.

Hello. I am the DPRK, known to you reactionaries as “north Korea.” Last year, I wrote a truly inspiring and profound article for this website. That very article received over 1 million likes within the first hour alone. However, only 15 likes are showing at the moment–a technical error on the fault of WordPress.com, a known bourgeoisie puppet.

Today, I am back on this evening of Western debauchery to deliver a very important message.

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Valentine’s Day Cards for Politics Junkies

Have you ever sat there and wished you had some really bad international relations jokes to send to your sweetheart? If the answer is yes, you’re in luck. Sending your significant other these inappropriate Valentine’s Day cards are sure to let them know how much you love them and hate yourself.

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And more under the jump!

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North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part I

It was a special day at the North Pole.

Russia was ecstatic when her new baby boy was born with a red nose, for she knew the vibrant color derived from the boy’s fiery communist resolve.

“Look at him,” Russia said as she cradled her baby and stared in awe at the boy’s glowing snout. “Isn’t he beautiful, China?”

China took a sip of bourbon and flipped through the newspaper in his lap.”Sure.”

The trembling young country looked at his mother and then to China, big black eyes shining with innocence. “D… D…”

Russia gasped. “Look at you! Are you going to say your first word?”

The baby’s face wrinkled into a nasty look. “D…D… Duh… Die, Western dogs!”

Russia cried out, throwing her arms around her son as tears of joy pooled in the corners of her eyes.

Continue reading “North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part I”

World Christmas Wishlists

Christmas is fast approaching, and even countries suffer from seasonal materialism. Like Canada, who wants Fidel Castro’s unfinished deathbed cigar and a better brother.

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“Is that a new cologne?”
“Please don’t sniff me.”

Christmas is fast approaching, and even countries suffer from seasonal materialism. I’ve intercepted their letters to Santa and put together for you a list of their deepest desires this Xmas.

America

  • A way to just completely erase 2016
  • Cosmetics to remove orange hue from skin
  • Every single model of NERF gun that has been sold since 2001
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Hell yeah. Photo by Adam Greig

Russia

  • Ukraine
  • Lithuania
  • Estonia
  • Latvia
  • Bulgaria

Japan

  • The ability to feel human emotion again

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Ouija boards will kill you unless you are a country

Ouija board
Photo by ryan (Flickr)

In an aging, creaking house in the middle of somewhere spooky, like a cemetery or something, America and Canada sat together at a small table. The flame of a candle quivered in the dusty, musty air.

With their hands on the planchette, they circled the board twice and recited whatever it was you’re supposed to recite so the ghosts won’t kill you.

Sucking in a breath, Canada asked, “Sprits, are you here?” Seconds crept by. Then something jolted their hands.

Hello.

America’s face lit up. “Yoooo!”

“Stop. You’re breathing too close to the candle. Look, we’ve got spirits here. Is there anyone you’re looking for? Any dead countries you want to speak to?”

America hummed in thought. “Oh! Yeah. I got one. The Confederacy. Where he at? I have some words for him.” America leaned over the board. “Hahaha what’s good, bitch?”

“America, no.”

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