5 Times America Was in Love

America remembers five of his past romantic relationships and how he completely ruined them.

Being stuck in bed with a dangerously high fever and no strength to do anything but stare at the TV had repercussions, particularly when you end up watching Hallmark and prime time television for three days straight.

That night, the mix of delirium from the sickness combined with 72 hours worth of romcom reruns and soap operas had America in a very particular mood: reminiscing about past relationships.

You should be warned:

The sick mind likes to embellish.

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Gangsters and Rebels

This is a story of fervor and pain,
of two lovers in political chains.

Have you ever found yourself in a terrible situation because of love? Mexico has. With his last breath drawing near, body wracked with pain as he lay dying in a pool of his own blood, he tries to remember the stupid decisions that lead up to this point so he can regret them one last time.


PROLOGUE

The Cold War divided the world harshly,
Ambitious superpowers came to rise,
Two blocs, two kings, two ideologies,
seeking total dominance as their prize.
The United States had an obsession:
full control of the Western Hemisphere,
While the USSR sought possession
of Eastern Europe and everyone near.
Many were caught in this raging feud,
Some of them were willing, fueled by rancor,
while others were victims of turpitude,
manipulated, used in proxy wars.
This is a story of fervor and pain,
of two lovers in political chains.

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Upcoming Book: Manifest Destiny! Smokin’ Guns! And One F*cked Up War!

Am I actually writing a western? Yup.

One cowboy. One fighter. One victim. One survivor.

This is the story of a callous hero with a calling from God, of the man standing in his way, of a declining empire struggling to confront addiction, humiliation, and weakness, of a woman coming to grips with a violent and uncertain future.

This is the Mexican-American War, told through a shoot-em-up western rich with moral ambiguity and anti-imperialism vitriol, and absolutely free of poorly-written Southern accents.

And so, the long and arduous journey beings. I’m excited to share this new adventure with you guys; many of you have written or are writing a book, so I know I’m in good company. Pray for me, ya’ll! But also definitely share your novel-writing tips and struggles.

Want a little teaser of the novel? Check it out below.

Continue reading “Upcoming Book: Manifest Destiny! Smokin’ Guns! And One F*cked Up War!”

The MAGA Chronicles: Globalism is for Cucks

The MAGA Chronicles is a new series that takes you on a journey with Trump’s America, where narcissism and depravity know no bounds.


I never wanted to hurt my sister, but the monster must die.

My hurried footsteps echo against the walls of the bare corridor in time with my heartbeat. Lights flicker overhead. An alarm wails in the distance, but I’m not afraid of what’s coming. Having made love to many, many beautiful countries just before arriving here, all at once, I’m invigorated–and out for blood.

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Western Showdown: The Battle for Texas

Mexico made one fatal mistake. He let the white people in.

John Wayne by Lady Gaga ♪

1844

With a loud crack, wood splintered from the bar counter and went flying into the air that was thick with the smell of cigars and gunpowder–but, unfortunately, not into the dirt-stained face of that weasely American bastard.

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“America First” a.k.a. “Let’s kill all my relationships”

o-DONALD-TRUMP-DARTH-VADER-facebook.jpg
(Image from The Libertarian Republic)

Ever wondered what the future of US foreign affairs would look like if Trump were actually elected? Here’s a look at some of the possible ways we might butcher our international relations.

The US under a Trump presidency:

America: Mexico! Hey! Mexico!
Mexico: What? Is that you, Satan?
America: What did you just call me? Mexico?
Mexico: I can’t—I can’t make out what you’re saying!
America: Damn. It’s really hard to talk to someone with a giant Berlin-esque wall between ya. Okay, Plan B. [pulls out phone and dial’s Mexico’s number]
Mexico: That’s much better.

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Happy holidays! Have some cookies

 

In the spirit of the holiday, I’ve turned the countries into cookies and let them loose upon each other. They mostly just bugged each other. So, the usual.

Disclaimer: I’m really bad at decorating cookies.

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