5 Times America Was in Love

America remembers five of his past romantic relationships and how he completely ruined them.

Being stuck in bed with a dangerously high fever and no strength to do anything but stare at the TV had repercussions, particularly when you end up watching Hallmark and prime time television for three days straight.

That night, the mix of delirium from the sickness combined with 72 hours worth of romcom reruns and soap operas had America in a very particular mood: reminiscing about past relationships.

You should be warned:

The sick mind likes to embellish.

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Would You Veto a Popcorn Machine?

See, kids? That’s what heavy industrialization and 500 years of chain-smoking will do to ya.

Once in a while, you have to make a yearly budget. You also have to periodically reflect on your financial priorities because some people can’t be trusted.

“So, bit of a funny story,” England said to the other members of the Security Council sitting in the conference room. “I was looking through the budget proposals when I see something just a little strange.” He slid the thick budget book to the center of the table and with a pen pointed to a particular line on the page. “This says ‘2AM runs to McDonald’s.’ And, it gets better, we’ve got $1000 set aside for that. One-thousand dollars, eight-hundred and ninety-three Euros, six-thousand something yuan–whatever the hell you want.”

He looked around the room. “Now, who wants to take a little guess at which one of us thinks we need one-thousand dollars for McDonald’s?”

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Life After Napoleon

Same as it ever was.

This is a companion piece to the story “Holy.”

Dear America,

You asked how things are faring over here so I will explain with brevity the current state of Europe and its great powers. But first, I would like to get family matters out of the way.

Wales sends her greetings and wants you to know that she has been praying for your safety and prosperity. I was not aware that peculiar crystals were instruments of prayer, but she insisted that she was a “good.l Christian woman” and “not at all a Pagan.” Odd of her to say, as I had not mentioned paganism. When I asked Scotland if he too wanted to send you a message, he inquired about your identity. “Who?” “The United States of America, our estranged son!” Yet he still feigned ignorance. Ireland, a rather new addition to the family, seems to be adjusting well enough. She fears the internal backlash, but it was exactly that backlash that made her feel even stronger the need to unite. Well, she is convinced she has done the right thing, and so am I.

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“F#@% the European Union”

England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time.

Photo by jeffdjevdet

The following contains excessive f-bombs and other profanities. Read at your own risk.

England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time. Germany’s microphone made it sound like he was trapped in a wind tunnel. When adding Scotland, the computer insisted that “The person whom you’re trying to reach is not available” even though he was available (gosh dammit).

Eventually the entire call was dropped, repeatedly. After many fruitless efforts and irritating loops of “bloop blop” sounds as Skype struggled to get the call through, everyone decided to stick with typing.

England: Suppose the UK does leave the European Union. Suppose we get our “Brexit.” What then?

Greece: yaaahhh you do it England you guys go and chase your dreams

France: Leave if you so want to 🙂 More room for me~

England: Is that a passive-aggression smiley? Try sounding a little less bitter or far-right, France.

France: 🙂 🙂 🙂

Netherlands: LEAVE

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Everyone hates Britain

Do you like my 5 minute Photoshop project?

Britain has a very valuable lesson to teach us: If you colonize someone, they will hate you. There’s another valuable lesson: if you’re an imperialist power, other imperialist powers will hate you. Because almost everyone between the years 1700 and 1900 was a colony or an imperialist, almost everyone hated Britain.

Maybe the best way to illustrate this is through a series of testimonies. Which is exactly why Switzerland decided to conduct interviews with countries whose lives Britain ruined.

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Happy holidays! Have some cookies


In the spirit of the holiday, I’ve turned the countries into cookies and let them loose upon each other. They mostly just bugged each other. So, the usual.

Disclaimer: I’m really bad at decorating cookies.

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Bilateral: Family

They sat side by side on bar stools with margaritas in their hands. Hers was some shade of red and his was a kind of purple.

“You remind me of your brother sometimes.”

Canada was caught between a scoff and a laugh. “France, please, I’m trying to enjoy myself.”

France didn’t say anything, which would have been the perfect excuse to let it go. But she didn’t take the out.

“Come ooon,” she groaned, leaning toward him. “Don’t be like that.”

“No, no, I was simply making an observation–”

“It’s just that everyone’s been fighting for so long. Maybe a combat mission in Iraq is something we need.”

“You sound unsure.”

She stared at the ice cubes melting in her glass. “I know it wouldn’t be easy, but… but don’t you think that sometimes, the end justifies the means?”

And France just smiled, knowing well that’s what America would say.

Inspiration taken from this article.