Life After Napoleon

Same as it ever was.

This is a companion piece to the story “Holy.”


Dear America,

You asked how things are faring over here so I will explain with brevity the current state of Europe and its great powers. But first, I would like to get family matters out of the way.

Wales sends her greetings and wants you to know that she has been praying for your safety and prosperity. I was not aware that peculiar crystals were instruments of prayer, but she insisted that she was a “good.l Christian woman” and “not at all a Pagan.” Odd of her to say, as I had not mentioned paganism. When I asked Scotland if he too wanted to send you a message, he inquired about your identity. “Who?” “The United States of America, our estranged son!” Yet he still feigned ignorance. Ireland, a rather new addition to the family, seems to be adjusting well enough. She fears the internal backlash, but it was exactly that backlash that made her feel even stronger the need to unite. Well, she is convinced she has done the right thing, and so am I.

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“F#@% the European Union”

England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time.

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Photo by jeffdjevdet

The following contains excessive f-bombs and other profanities. Read at your own risk.

England’s Skype call was cut short when the “connection errors” began cropping up. First, Sweden was dropped. Denmark shortly followed. France was suffering an issue where he could hear everyone but nobody could hear him. Netherlands kept trying to connect to the call but failed every miserable time. Germany’s microphone made it sound like he was trapped in a wind tunnel. When adding Scotland, the computer insisted that “The person whom you’re trying to reach is not available” even though he was available (gosh dammit).

Eventually the entire call was dropped, repeatedly. After many fruitless efforts and irritating loops of “bloop blop” sounds as Skype struggled to get the call through, everyone decided to stick with typing.

England: Suppose the UK does leave the European Union. Suppose we get our “Brexit.” What then?

Greece: yaaahhh you do it England you guys go and chase your dreams

France: Leave if you so want to 🙂 More room for me~

England: Is that a passive-aggression smiley? Try sounding a little less bitter or far-right, France.

France: 🙂 🙂 🙂

Netherlands: LEAVE
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN
IT’S A TOTALITARIAN MONSTER

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Everyone hates Britain

angerbrits
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Britain has a very valuable lesson to teach us: If you colonize someone, they will hate you. There’s another valuable lesson: if you’re an imperialist power, other imperialist powers will hate you. Because almost everyone between the years 1700 and 1900 was a colony or an imperialist, almost everyone hated Britain.

Maybe the best way to illustrate this is through a series of testimonies. Which is exactly why Switzerland decided to conduct interviews with countries whose lives Britain ruined.

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Happy holidays! Have some cookies

 

In the spirit of the holiday, I’ve turned the countries into cookies and let them loose upon each other. They mostly just bugged each other. So, the usual.

Disclaimer: I’m really bad at decorating cookies.

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Bilateral: Family

They sat side by side on bar stools with margaritas in their hands. Hers was some shade of red and his was a kind of purple.

“You remind me of your brother sometimes.”

Canada was caught between a scoff and a laugh. “France, please, I’m trying to enjoy myself.”

France didn’t say anything, which would have been the perfect excuse to let it go. But she didn’t take the out.

“Come ooon,” she groaned, leaning toward him. “Don’t be like that.”

“No, no, I was simply making an observation–”

“It’s just that everyone’s been fighting for so long. Maybe a combat mission in Iraq is something we need.”

“You sound unsure.”

She stared at the ice cubes melting in her glass. “I know it wouldn’t be easy, but… but don’t you think that sometimes, the end justifies the means?”

And France just smiled, knowing well that’s what America would say.

Inspiration taken from this article.

Word games

“If you could eat anyone here, who would it be?”

Security Council meetings weren’t always productive. Nor were they usually fun. America decided to change that.

England looked up from his notes after a pause to bore a narrow, scrutinizing gaze into the American.

What?”

“If you could–no, if you had to–eat someone in this room, like in a survival situation, who would it be?”

England promptly went back to looking through his notes.  “Nobody dignify his question with an answer.” But Russia did.

“China,” she said. “Then England. Then France. Then America.” Nobody felt like telling her she’d broken the rules because they knew she wouldn’t care.

“I wouldn’t eat any of you,” scoffed France.

England scoffed right back. “And what makes you think anyone would eat you?”

China had been quietly struggling with himself about whether or not he’d participate in the game. Then he gave up. “Russia.”  

At this, the Russian nodded a few times knowingly. “Because I stand in the way of his world domination.”

“For me it’s easy,” America said, swiveling his chair obnoxiously. “China. Don’t have to pay him back if he’s dead.” The groans from around the table weren’t going to bring him down, and he flung forward in his seat. “Hey, hey, hey,” he shot off rapidly. “Let’s play FMK.”

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