The Five Countries You Meet in Hell

Mama, we’re meant for the flies.

His boots kicked up dirt as he shuffled through the ridge, musket slung over his shoulder. The large boulders that lined the narrow passage on both sides were cool even when the air was thick and hot. Cannons blasted in the distance and with each crack, his heart beat faster.

It was 1865.

Wait. No, it wasn’t.

America froze in his tracks because he remembered.

He remembered dying.

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Would You Veto a Popcorn Machine?

See, kids? That’s what heavy industrialization and 500 years of chain-smoking will do to ya.

Once in a while, you have to make a yearly budget. You also have to periodically reflect on your financial priorities because some people can’t be trusted.


“So, bit of a funny story,” England said to the other members of the Security Council sitting in the conference room. “I was looking through the budget proposals when I see something just a little strange.” He slid the thick budget book to the center of the table and with a pen pointed to a particular line on the page. “This says ‘2AM runs to McDonald’s.’ And, it gets better, we’ve got $1000 set aside for that. One-thousand dollars, eight-hundred and ninety-three Euros, six-thousand something yuan–whatever the hell you want.”

He looked around the room. “Now, who wants to take a little guess at which one of us thinks we need one-thousand dollars for McDonald’s?”

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Story Update: 50 Shades of Authoritarianism

Hey, guys. Sometimes I feel the need to go back and update earlier stories for a variety of reasons. Today I’ve done that to a somewhat controversial piece from last year.

Header image for story, featuring China and a very gay America

50 Shades of Authoritarianism: 50 Shades Redder

This story came under fire on another website for coming off as racist and anti-China. While the latter was my intention, the former was not. Even so, I believe I was still in the wrong. My goal with the rewrite was to be not disrespectful to Chinese culture while preserving the two main concepts: America’s lust for China, vis a vis Trump’s ass-kissing of Xi Jinping, and his economic resentment toward China. The story is still at its core a bunch of bad sex jokes about morally questionable foreign policy.

To read the revision, click this or the link above. I’d appreciate your thoughts on the changes.

Current Events: Everyone Wants a Piece of North Korea

Ever since the winter Olympics when the two Koreas took flamethrowers to their chilled and strained relationship, a diplomatic firestorm has been raging in East Asia–and that is not necessarily a bad thing. With an inter-Korea summit and Trump-Kim summit on the rise, the region has been a flurry of wild political activity. But how did this all unfold and what does it mean to and for the countries involved? In this, I try to explain.

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Country Dating Profiles

Where politics is cold, love is warm.

Can you guess who wrote which one?
(It’s painfully easy.)


Chill guy, super powerful, crazy rich, really hot, great sense of humor. Ordering pizza after sex is mandatory. Preference: anything that moves. If you curvy that’s all good; big is beautiful. I’ll be more attracted to you if you blindly agree with me and support everything I do even when I’m wrong.

***

You think you’re worthy to breathe the same air I breathe? You insignificant beast. Love me. Praise me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You’re less than dirt. Pathetic, pitiful, powerless. Tell me how much you want me, pig. You’re just the jackal howling at my door. My love is a gift you are not worthy to receive. I grant you mercy because I take pity on creatures of lesser intellect, beauty, and purity. Perish, worm.

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The Agro of His Fury

“If you could go back in time and kill anyone, who would it be?”
The idea is the same, even if you’re a country.


“They say it can open a door to the past,” China said as North Korea dangled the red and gold talisman from the silk thread between his fingers.

“Have you ever tried to go back?”

“Do you really think I want to re-live any part of my life?”

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