Women want two things: God and absolute power.

Democracy is a plague and revolutions are the rats through which the disease spreads. If not purged, it will sow chaos in Europe.

Russia stood at the head of the table and made sweeping gestures, the gold adornments on her uniform bobbing and swishing with her movements. “Today is a momentous occasion–the birth of our Most Holy and Indivisible Trinity!” Her powerful voice filled the hall. “To begin the celebration, we shall make a toast in honor of our beautiful sisterhood.” The three women raised their glasses and a round of clicks echoed off the walls.

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Happy holidays! Have some cookies


In the spirit of the holiday, I’ve turned the countries into cookies and let them loose upon each other. They mostly just bugged each other. So, the usual.

Disclaimer: I’m really bad at decorating cookies.

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Hot chocolate with closers


Four Europeans sat together at a small, oval dining table with a plate of brownie alpine biscotti as the centerpiece. Four cups of seasonal happiness–technically, three mugs and one cup and saucer– circled the treats.

Theirs was a quiet meeting, except for Austria’s occasional laughing. No one knew what she found so funny (mostly because no one was even talking), but at the same time they didn’t care enough to ask.

“Does anyone have any holiday plans?” Liechtenstein asked carefully after taking a sip of hot chocolate.

“Your face,” Austria said suddenly.

Liechtenstein’s head bobbed forward. “My face?”

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Coffee and closers

by Jay Mantri
Photo by Jay Mantri

Liechtenstein took his with cream and sugar. Austria took hers with cream but no sugar. Switzerland took his straight up black. Germany took his with a tablespoon of Jäger.

“I’ll be honest,” Liechtenstein said to gently ease into conversation. “Football is making me sad. We didn’t do so hot last month… But, I can’t let that get me down!” He picked up his mug and took two big gulps. “Yesterday,” he started, a small smile forming. “I watched a squirrel eat a cracker and it was the funniest thing.”

When he set his cup down, it was Austria who noticed that his jittery hands. “So,” he continued, bouncing to a new train of thought, “how’s everyone been? Hey, hey, Germany? How’s Greece doing?”

Austria set the spoon she’d used to stir her coffee for way longer than necessary, down and it clinked against the saucer. “Don’t get him started on Greece,” she warned. “He’s already moping.”

“I’m not moping,” Germany said in a mopey tone. “I’m just tired.” Setting an empty mug down, he leaned back in his seat with a sigh. “He’s a mess, honestly. But at least I convinced him get off the couch and shave.”

“Is he calling this a ‘mid-life crisis’?” Austria asked before sipping her coffee with raised eyebrows and an air of condescension. “He said that the last time.”

Liechtenstein exhaled. “Wow. This is sadder than football.” Again he took a long, excessive drink of his frothy beverage. “Hey, Switzerland, help us think of something happy to talk about.”

This whole time, Switzerland had been silently and disconcertingly staring off at nothing in particular. Liechtenstein’s question changed nothing.

“Switzerland?” The microstate asked again, this time nudging his friend with an elbow.

Switzerland jerked and inhaled sharply. “Hm? What?” He shook his head before rubbing his eyes with a hand. “Oh… guess I dozed off.” Then he cleared his throat to alleviate its groggy crackle. “Hey… does anyone else ever think about how no matter how hard we try, we’ll never escape our personal demons? Anyway, what were we talking about?”

Which of these countries are you most like? Take the quiz to find out, and, hey, why not share your results in the comments?

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