Russia, India, Brazil, South Africa, and China have a weekend getaway.
It’s summer! And what better way to celebrate friendship and financial anxiety than a trip to the beach?
Clad in their finest swimwear, India, Brazil, and South Africa stood firmly in a line on the deck and waited for Russia to speak, like they were soldiers awaiting orders.
“On this trip, everyone will be wearing protection at all times.” Russia’s voice was commanding as she wielded a bottle of sunscreen in her hand like it was a sword. “I don’t care if you ‘don’t burn.’ The sun is evil and it will kill you.” The other women jumped at the force behind Russia’s accusation. “Now, who wants to rub lotion all over my back?” India threw up her hand.
Continue reading “BRICS at the Beach”
A political pivot results in a steamy encounter.
Trump loves Russia, but did you know that he has deep, undeniable feelings for China too? This is the thrilling, unrelated sequel to 50 Shades of Authoritarianism.
The warm sensation taking over America’s body could have been caused by the wine, the lavender wafting through the air, or the fact that China had just stepped back into the living room wearing only a silk robe.
Continue reading “50 Shades of Authoritarianism: 50 Shades Redder”
His head, anyway.
I mix vodka with orange juice and call it breakfast. The alcohol will help me forget that I didn’t sleep last night. Or the night before. Is it nighttime right now? I can’t tell because I never open the curtains because if I do they will watch me and I’m afraid.
Continue reading “A Rare Look Inside of North Korea”
Along with working on, and struggling with, an Australia- and Canada-centric story, I’m also working on something I’ll be submitting to the one and only Cracked.com. If they actually decide to publish my trash, ya’ll will be the first to know.
But I’m back here today, specifically, to throw a small heaping of international affairs f#%kery at you. Lately, North Korea has been incredibly naughty (read as: homicidal and destructive) and I’d be remiss if I didn’t write about it.
Continue reading “Things are heating up in East Asia!”
“You know what these boots are made for? Stomping fascists.”
A continuation of this story.
Turns out, the Abominable American wasn’t that hard to outrun. He was pretty slow due to his size, and also kind of lazy. He gave up chase five minutes in, after which he retreated to his lair to partake in material sin and filthiness.
Continue reading “North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part II”
It was a special day at the North Pole.
Russia was ecstatic when her new baby boy was born with a red nose, for she knew the vibrant color derived from the boy’s fiery communist resolve.
“Look at him,” Russia said as she cradled her baby and stared in awe at the boy’s glowing snout. “Isn’t he beautiful, China?”
China took a sip of bourbon and flipped through the newspaper in his lap.”Sure.”
The trembling young country looked at his mother and then to China, big black eyes shining with innocence. “D… D…”
Russia gasped. “Look at you! Are you going to say your first word?”
The baby’s face wrinkled into a nasty look. “D…D… Duh… Die, Western dogs!”
Russia cried out, throwing her arms around her son as tears of joy pooled in the corners of her eyes.
Continue reading “North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part I”