Country Dating Profiles

Where politics is cold, love is warm.

Can you guess who wrote which one?
(It’s painfully easy.)

Chill guy, super powerful, crazy rich, really hot, great sense of humor. Ordering pizza after sex is mandatory. Preference: anything that moves. If you curvy that’s all good; big is beautiful. I’ll be more attracted to you if you blindly agree with me and support everything I do even when I’m wrong.


You think you’re worthy to breathe the same air I breathe? You insignificant beast. Love me. Praise me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You’re less than dirt. Pathetic, pitiful, powerless. Tell me how much you want me, pig. You’re just the jackal howling at my door. My love is a gift you are not worthy to receive. I grant you mercy because I take pity on creatures of lesser intellect, beauty, and purity. Perish, worm.

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The Agro of His Fury

“If you could go back in time and kill anyone, who would it be?”
The idea is the same, even if you’re a country.

“They say it can open a door to the past,” China said as North Korea dangled the red and gold talisman from the silk thread between his fingers.

“Have you ever tried to go back?”

“Do you really think I want to re-live any part of my life?”

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The Contents of One’s Heart

“Whoever drinks this elixir shall be granted the gift of sight–to see into a person’s heart and know their true character.”

In that particular wing of the United Nations, the air was thick with secrecy.

“Did you bring it?” whispered America.

“Yeah,” Japan whispered back. From her shirt, she pulled a small glass vial that stored a vibrant bluish liquid. America stared at it in awe while Japan reached into her pocket, procured a slip of paper, and read from it. “‘Whoever drinks this elixir shall be granted the gift of sight–to see into a person’s heart and know their true character.’ You try it first,” she suggested, holding it out to him. He shrugged his shoulders.

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Paper Tiger

I thought I made it clear to everyone that there only gets to be one superpower. I let you wear my crown and play pretend for a little bit–how’d the feel? You get it all out of your system? Good. That little taste is all you’ll ever get.

You have money, but then what? Nobody wants your culture, your way of life. Nobody’s wavin’ their flags at the gates to usher in internet censorship and government surveillance. I’m everything they want to be, you’re everything they want to leave behind.

I’m Land of the Free. I sell the goddamn American Dream.

That’s why I win.

A little bonus I drew for the latest MAGA installment. I’m pretty sure America’s monologue was inspired by something I heard on Deep State Radio, but I’m not sure.

MAGA: Let’s Own That Commie Cuck

(Read the prologue)

My jaw throbbed and I tasted blood on my tongue. Hair fell into my face when I met China’s steely eyes with a white-hot glare.

“That hurt, you little shit.” Except he was far from little. Nearly my height, he was lean and built like a mannequin in an Abercrombie & Fitch.

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