Trump-Kim Summit: The Aftermath

North Korea and China chat about the summit. Meanwhile, America celebrates a win.

North Korea and China chat about the summit. Meanwhile, America celebrates a win.


Opening the door to the office unleashed a herbaceous assault on North Korea’s senses.

“What’s that smell?” he said loudly as soon as he stepped in.

China was half asleep at his desk. He jerked awake, blinked a couple of times, then said, “My oils.”

“Your oils.”

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5 Times America Was in Love

America remembers five of his past romantic relationships and how he completely ruined them.

Being stuck in bed with a dangerously high fever and no strength to do anything but stare at the TV had repercussions, particularly when you end up watching Hallmark and prime time television for three days straight.

That night, the mix of delirium from the sickness combined with 72 hours worth of romcom reruns and soap operas had America in a very particular mood: reminiscing about past relationships.

You should be warned:

The sick mind likes to embellish.

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Gangsters and Rebels

This is a story of fervor and pain,
of two lovers in political chains.

Have you ever found yourself in a terrible situation because of love? Mexico has. With his last breath drawing near, body wracked with pain as he lay dying in a pool of his own blood, he tries to remember the stupid decisions that lead up to this point so he can regret them one last time.


PROLOGUE

The Cold War divided the world harshly,
Ambitious superpowers came to rise,
Two blocs, two kings, two ideologies,
seeking total dominance as their prize.
The United States had an obsession:
full control of the Western Hemisphere,
While the USSR sought possession
of Eastern Europe and everyone near.
Many were caught in this raging feud,
Some of them were willing, fueled by rancor,
while others were victims of turpitude,
manipulated, used in proxy wars.
This is a story of fervor and pain,
of two lovers in political chains.

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The Five Countries You Meet in Hell

Mama, we’re meant for the flies.

His boots kicked up dirt as he shuffled through the ridge, musket slung over his shoulder. The large boulders that lined the narrow passage on both sides were cool even when the air was thick and hot. Cannons blasted in the distance and with each crack, his heart beat faster.

It was 1865.

Wait. No, it wasn’t.

America froze in his tracks because he remembered.

He remembered dying.

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Would You Veto a Popcorn Machine?

See, kids? That’s what heavy industrialization and 500 years of chain-smoking will do to ya.

Once in a while, you have to make a yearly budget. You also have to periodically reflect on your financial priorities because some people can’t be trusted.


“So, bit of a funny story,” England said to the other members of the Security Council sitting in the conference room. “I was looking through the budget proposals when I see something just a little strange.” He slid the thick budget book to the center of the table and with a pen pointed to a particular line on the page. “This says ‘2AM runs to McDonald’s.’ And, it gets better, we’ve got $1000 set aside for that. One-thousand dollars, eight-hundred and ninety-three Euros, six-thousand something yuan–whatever the hell you want.”

He looked around the room. “Now, who wants to take a little guess at which one of us thinks we need one-thousand dollars for McDonald’s?”

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Story Update: 50 Shades of Authoritarianism

Hey, guys. Sometimes I feel the need to go back and update earlier stories for a variety of reasons. Today I’ve done that to a somewhat controversial piece from last year.

Header image for story, featuring China and a very gay America

50 Shades of Authoritarianism: 50 Shades Redder

This story came under fire on another website for coming off as racist and anti-China. While the latter was my intention, the former was not. Even so, I believe I was still in the wrong. My goal with the rewrite was to be not disrespectful to Chinese culture while preserving the two main concepts: America’s lust for China, vis a vis Trump’s ass-kissing of Xi Jinping, and his economic resentment toward China. The story is still at its core a bunch of bad sex jokes about morally questionable foreign policy.

To read the revision, click this or the link above. I’d appreciate your thoughts on the changes.