The MAGA Chronicles: Globalism is for Cucks

The MAGA Chronicles is a new series that takes you on a journey with Trump’s America, where narcissism and depravity know no bounds.


I never wanted to hurt my sister, but the monster must die.

My hurried footsteps echo against the walls of the bare corridor in time with my heartbeat. Lights flicker overhead. An alarm wails in the distance, but I’m not afraid of what’s coming. Having made love to many, many beautiful countries just before arriving here, all at once, I’m invigorated–and out for blood.

Continue reading “The MAGA Chronicles: Globalism is for Cucks”

Canada and Australia’s Day of Fun (and Suffering)

Australia hollered back at the birds. “Come and get it, ya brainless devils!” She turned to Canada. “Can’t even fly, the whackas!”

Canada clung to the Jeep for dear life as her stomach did flips and turns. Tires kicked up hot, orange dirt as they tore through the outback. A mob of emu chased behind them like wolves gunning for fresh meat. The driver gripped the wheel with one hand while the other waved wildly out the side of the car. Continue reading “Canada and Australia’s Day of Fun (and Suffering)”

North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part II

“You know what these boots are made for? Stomping fascists.”

A continuation of this story.

Turns out, the Abominable American wasn’t that hard to outrun. He was pretty slow due to his size, and also kind of lazy. He gave up chase five minutes in, after which he retreated to his lair to partake in material sin and filthiness.

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North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part I

It was a special day at the North Pole.

Russia was ecstatic when her new baby boy was born with a red nose, for she knew the vibrant color derived from the boy’s fiery communist resolve.

“Look at him,” Russia said as she cradled her baby and stared in awe at the boy’s glowing snout. “Isn’t he beautiful, China?”

China took a sip of bourbon and flipped through the newspaper in his lap.”Sure.”

The trembling young country looked at his mother and then to China, big black eyes shining with innocence. “D… D…”

Russia gasped. “Look at you! Are you going to say your first word?”

The baby’s face wrinkled into a nasty look. “D…D… Duh… Die, Western dogs!”

Russia cried out, throwing her arms around her son as tears of joy pooled in the corners of her eyes.

Continue reading “North Korea the Red-Nosed Nation-State: Part I”

Ouija boards will kill you unless you are a country

Ouija board
Photo by ryan (Flickr)

In an aging, creaking house in the middle of somewhere spooky, like a cemetery or something, America and Canada sat together at a small table. The flame of a candle quivered in the dusty, musty air.

With their hands on the planchette, they circled the board twice and recited whatever it was you’re supposed to recite so the ghosts won’t kill you.

Sucking in a breath, Canada asked, “Sprits, are you here?” Seconds crept by. Then something jolted their hands.

Hello.

America’s face lit up. “Yoooo!”

“Stop. You’re breathing too close to the candle. Look, we’ve got spirits here. Is there anyone you’re looking for? Any dead countries you want to speak to?”

America hummed in thought. “Oh! Yeah. I got one. The Confederacy. Where he at? I have some words for him.” America leaned over the board. “Hahaha what’s good, bitch?”

“America, no.”

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History Share: The French and Indian War

The_Victory_of_Montcalms_Troops_at_Carillon_by_Henry_Alexander_Ogden
The Victory of Montcalm’s Troops at Carillon by Henry Alexander Ogden

History Share is a blogging event for people who love enthusing about the past. In my original post, I invited fellow geeks and writers to talk about an event in history that they thought was pretty cool. The goal is to share knowledge in a fun way and connect with like-minded bloggers.

It’s been a week since then and now it’s time to share what we’ve written. You can do this by tagging your post with historyshare and dropping the link in the comments section. If you didn’t get a chance to participate this time there’s always (probably) next month!

For mine, a friend asked me to explain the French and Indian War. Here it goes.

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Political Debrief No. 6

Welcome to Political Debrief, where the news isn’t really news except when it is.

This month around the world:

Switzerland ate a lot of fondue and worried his neighbors. Even after he started to feel sick, he said that he was determined to keep going, telling everyone that they’ll “never understand.”

China received a surprise present from the United States: a coffee mug sporting the phrase “I

i_love_bj_mug
North Korea thought it was cool until he learned it was from America. Then he called it “immature.”

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