Country Dating Profiles

Where politics is cold, love is warm.

Can you guess who wrote which one?
(It’s painfully easy.)

Chill guy, super powerful, crazy rich, really hot, great sense of humor. Ordering pizza after sex is mandatory. Preference: anything that moves. If you curvy that’s all good; big is beautiful. I’ll be more attracted to you if you blindly agree with me and support everything I do even when I’m wrong.


You think you’re worthy to breathe the same air I breathe? You insignificant beast. Love me. Praise me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You’re less than dirt. Pathetic, pitiful, powerless. Tell me how much you want me, pig. You’re just the jackal howling at my door. My love is a gift you are not worthy to receive. I grant you mercy because I take pity on creatures of lesser intellect, beauty, and purity. Perish, worm.

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“This is why I love these trashy Euro parties. Everyone’s drunk as hell and high. You’re all nuts! Nuts. I love it–and I love you, you wild, godless, sexy Europeans. Hey, can I sit on your lap?”

Listening to too much Gaga. This song is a slapper and that one line just screamed America. Of course, Europe’s house parties are the best; when you’ve been living too long, all the while crammed together with a bunch of people you hate on a small continent, and have been through way too many wars, going wild every now and then becomes a necessity.

Dad = a disappointed England–who has no right to judge because he’s a complete mess too.

Bad Comic #2: “North Korea”



North Korea detests that name, both in fiction and reality. The country (and its people) will always use the official name, DPRK. You may also hear DPR Korea. Calling the country “North Korea” is disrespectful and imperialist. That’s why everyone calls him–to his face, at least–Korea. If you don’t, he will scream at you.

The Agro of His Fury

“If you could go back in time and kill anyone, who would it be?”
The idea is the same, even if you’re a country.

“They say it can open a door to the past,” China said as North Korea dangled the red and gold talisman from the silk thread between his fingers.

“Have you ever tried to go back?”

“Do you really think I want to re-live any part of my life?”

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The Contents of One’s Heart

“Whoever drinks this elixir shall be granted the gift of sight–to see into a person’s heart and know their true character.”

In that particular wing of the United Nations, the air was thick with secrecy.

“Did you bring it?” whispered America.

“Yeah,” Japan whispered back. From her shirt, she pulled a small glass vial that stored a vibrant bluish liquid. America stared at it in awe while Japan reached into her pocket, procured a slip of paper, and read from it. “‘Whoever drinks this elixir shall be granted the gift of sight–to see into a person’s heart and know their true character.’ You try it first,” she suggested, holding it out to him. He shrugged his shoulders.

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