Country Dating Profiles

Where politics is cold, love is warm.

Story illustration of South Korea making a heart sign

Can you guess who wrote which one?
(It’s painfully easy.)


Chill guy, super powerful, crazy rich, really hot, great sense of humor. Ordering pizza after sex is mandatory. Preference: anything that moves. If you curvy that’s all good; big is beautiful. I’ll be more attracted to you if you blindly agree with me and support everything I do even when I’m wrong.

***

You think you’re worthy to breathe the same air I breathe? You insignificant beast. Love me. Praise me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You’re less than dirt. Pathetic, pitiful, powerless. Tell me how much you want me, pig. You’re just the jackal howling at my door. My love is a gift you are not worthy to receive. I grant you mercy because I take pity on creatures of lesser intellect, beauty, and purity. Perish, worm.

***

Love is hard to feel
My heart is full of darkness
pain pain pain pain pain

Please DM for an extensive list of my kinks. A waiver must be signed before sex. Thank you.

***

Hello, beautiful star… looking for the tender love of a mother…? Please… let me cherish your body and soul, little lamb….

Cuddles/smooches/BDSM

***

I am a sugar daddy looking for a new partner. No sex or romance required, I just want to buy you things. No nudes, just pictures of what you buy. YOU MUST BE CIGARETTE-FRIENDLY AND DRAMA-FREE.

***

I’m young, I’m gorgeous, and I have a wild side. Friday nights are for karaoke and sangrias. Saturdays are for pentakills. NO SCRUBS!! (laugh-cry emoji). If you’re bad at video games don’t even bother lmao but I guess I can forgive that if you have cats.

Good luck ♥.♥

***

I am a gentleman who carries himself with dignity. I’d rather take you to the theatre than to the pub. I’d rather discuss literature over tea than flail around to trashy music at the club. Cheers.

**IF ANYONE TRIES TO TELL YOU THAT I’M NOTHING LIKE I DESCRIBED, THEY CAN SOD OFF AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL**

***

Hiya! I’m just a simple girl who’s looking for a little fun and companionship! 😛 My dream date involves homemade breakfast, a log cabin, lumberjacking in the woods, and maybe setting some things on fire. Warning: I have several beavers.

***

Biscotti. Fondue. Kafka. Did any of those words turn you on? If so, you may be romantically compatible with a loan at my bank. Please go to cashmoneygold.com and start your application today. It may change your life, or it may not. I don’t care either way.

***

I am a mature and elegant woman with a very specific vendetta, and I am willing to make a deal. Specifically, I am looking for someone who can supply me with a number of advanced defensive arms (e.g., missiles, torpedoes, early warning radar systems). I am willing to do whatever you desire of me in return, granted I find you attractive and the acts pleasurable. Interested? Message me and we can discuss further.

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an international relations major who likes exploring politics through fiction. Besides writing, she enjoys video games, graphic design, and crying.

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