Trump loves Russia, but did you know that he has deep, undeniable feelings for China too? This is the thrilling, unrelated sequel to 50 Shades of Authoritarianism.
The warm sensation taking over America’s body could have been caused by the wine, the lavender wafting through the air, or the fact that China had just stepped back into the living room wearing only a silk robe.
America swallowed the alcohol down hard. “When you said ‘slip into something more comfortable,’ you really meant it, huh?”
China smiled softly. “I’m sorry. Is this inappropriate?”
“Nah, you’re good,” America said, tugging on his collar because suddenly he felt like he was running a low fever.
Was this weird? Dinner had gone well, and America was more than happy to drink after the meal. But maybe he should have stopped to consider China’s intentions when the other put on slow jazz and started to burn incense.
China took a seat nex to America, who couldn’t help but notice how the fabric of the robe settled against his figure in such a way that drew attention to certain features. Pretending that color was not rushing to his cheeks, America cleared his throat.
“Good meal. I mean, really amazing. The dumplings were exceptional. The best ever.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” China said as he leaned in closer. Normally, the smell of nicotine and alcohol and regret would make America’s lip curl, but in that moment they were like pheromones.
“No problem, buddy. Say, uh, you hear about the um…” Come on, America. Think of something. Anything. Just stop looking at his–“Missile? The missile test? North Korea?”
Scowling, China shook his head. “Yet another selfish act of defiance.”
“It’s so incredibly disrespectful. To you! After–after everything you’ve done for him!”
China’s eyebrows raised. “America, I wasn’t expecting you to defend my honor. Not too long ago you were scrutinizing my efforts to stop North Korea, even calling me a currency manipulator and accusing me of–”
“Yeah, well, this is a really important issue,” America said quickly, gaze falling to his lap–sheepishly, almost–“and, uh, I can’t really solve it without you. I know you’re trying your best because you said so, and I know I can trust you because one time you said some smart things that really impressed me.”
China crossed one leg over the other, causing his fabric to slip and tease a bit of skin. America’s inner goddess broke out into a sultry tap dance routine at the sight. “Well, I appreciate your support. Still, must we talk about so stressful a topic? You’re already exhausted, aren’t you?”
America rubbed his neck. “Yeah, man. I’ve been traveling around, visiting everyone, touching orbs, disappointing people. It’s tough work.”
“Would you care for a massage?” Without warning, China gingerly took America’s hand and gazed into his eyes. “Please, America, allow me to pleasure you.”
And who would say no to that? With China’s tender guidance, America was coaxed onto his stomach and seconds later he felt the other climb on top of him, warm thighs straddle his hips, and skilled hands knead his tense shoulder blades. It wasn’t long before America’s mind went fuzzy and pleasure began to quickly pool in his raging loins.
After some time China said, “My, your muscles are so stiff.”
“They aren’t the only thing, buddy.”
There was a pause before China spoke again. “When the Yellow Emperor asked the Enigmatic Girl about the nine positions, she told him of one called Mating Cicadas.”
“Dude, what the hell are you talking about?”
China leaned forward and whispered in America’s ear, hot breath ghosting against his neck. “Do you want my Jade Stalk to penetrate your deepest valley and cure you of the seven pains?”
“Yeah, man!” America’s voice was gripped by both desperation and frustration. “Enter my forbidden city! Plow me with your jade dragon! Cure my seven pains! Also? Spank me.”
And like two horny cicadas did they make furious love. Well, almost.
A tugging on his shoulder stirred America from his saucy dream. A foggy voice urged him to wake. His eyes fluttered open as he groaned something about “just getting to the good part.” He was ready to whine at whoever ruined his fantasy… when he remembered where he was and who he was in the car with.
“Oh, shit, China, I–” Panicking, he shifted to a most uncomfortable position to hide his shame. “We’re here already?” When he glanced out the tinted windows he saw the UN building. “Haha, hey! Look at that!” From the driver’s seat, China gave him the most peculiar look. America straightened his hair and tie, not knowing if the trembling of his hand was real or imagined. “So, uh, I dozed off, huh? I wasn’t… acting weird in my sleep, was I?”
“Weirder than usual, you mean?”
“No, then? O-okay. Uh… So, random question. You doin’ anything later?”
China tapped his phone a few times, pretending to check his schedule. “Hmm. Unfortunately, it seems that I’m busy.”
“Oh, really? Cause I was, uh, thinkin’ maybe you could exercise hard power through my backchannel, if you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t believe that I do.”
America laughed nervously. “Oh, okay. Welp. I’ll see you around then, I guess. Bye.” And like a cheetah, he sprung from the car, sprinting into the UN building and leaving a very confused China to eat his dust–but not, unfortunately, anything else.
I had to do this. I gave Russia this kind of treatment, so here it is again for China. Everyone’s a winner. Or loser, I guess. America isn’t exactly a desirable bed partner these days.
Yeah, maybe Trump did rail on China regarding the Paris climate agreement, but that doesn’t change the fact that he immediately started kissing China’s ass after meeting with Xi Jinping last month. My guess is that he’s trying to butter China up in hopes that they’ll cooperate more on North Korea. Or maybe Xi is a smooth talker. Who knows?
That stuff about the Jade Stalk and Yellow Emperor? I found it on this website.
Credit: I used one of SakuraLeon’s posesets as a reference for the featured image.