Recently, the 45th president celebrated his first 100 days in office, forcing Fox News to desperately grasp at straws as they try to find achievements for which he could take credit.
Thankfully, I am much smarter than Fox News and will give you my own special 100 days list specifically focusing on the realm of international relations.
Most simply, everything can be broken down into these three categories.
- Pissed someone off
- Ruined a friendship
- Almost started a war
From here onward, “he” will refer to America rather than Trump, even if the two are technically synonymous.
Under the “Pissed someone off” category, we have the following feats:
- Pulled support for the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP)–an international trade agreement–thus effectively pissing off the 11 other countries that were hoping to pass it.
- Reversed the One China Policy, pissing China off.
- Re-reversed the One China Policy, probably making Taiwan go “WTF?”
- Placed a Muslim travel ban on a host of countries in the Middle East–except the ones he kind of liked.
- Failed to actually implement aforementioned ban due to the law, thus pissing himself off.
- Said that NATO was a garbage, pissing off all other NATO members, then reversed his opinion (oh, is that a pattern I see?), which probably still pissed everyone off because now they think he’s a flip-floppin’ assclown.
The next category is: Ruined a friendship. We’ve all been there, right? It’s just that when you’re a superpower with a knack for getting yourself into a lot of shit, keeping good friends is really important.
- Had an unprecedentedly aggressive phone call with Australia right off the bat.
- Recently begun attacking Canada for screwing over American dairy farmers.
- Said that South Korea, a freeloading SOB, remember, needs to pay for the THAAD that he kind of forced on the South Koreans in the first place.
- Mexico is still mad about the wall, which America is getting more and more eager to build.
- Continuously supported Brexit as a grand “independence movement,” destroying whatever respect Scotland might have had for him and causing the EU to take a crack at Texan secession. Shots fired.
- Making everyone roll their eyes at his “America First” policy in some way. C’mon. Wouldn’t you?
Finally, there’s the topic of almost starting a war.
- Paved the way to a trade war with Canada. Again, over dairy.
- Bombed a Syrian airbase to hell. Things like that can go from 0 to 100, fast.
- Provoked North Korea to the point where God knows how many journos and newspapers were writing about the inevitability of war.
Now, just in case anyone starts to think that I’m being too harsh, I’ll give you a list of positive achievements:
- Successfully seduced by Russia (if only we could all be so lucky).
- Successfully seduced by China (see above), reversing his policies so much that he was able to avoid a trade war.
- Didn’t completely abandon NATO.
- Managed to still love Israel even though he’s beginning to hate all of his other friends.
- Acted really tough for like 5 seconds (e.g., airstrike, sending a carrier to Korean peninsula) but no one was actually impressed. Still, it boosted his self-esteem.
- Played golf with Japan.
See? It’s not all bad.
If you think I missed something or would like to add your own praise or critique of Trump’s 100 days, drop a comment and share your thoughts.