Along with working on, and struggling with, an Australia- and Canada-centric story, I’m also working on something I’ll be submitting to the one and only Cracked.com. If they actually decide to publish my trash, ya’ll will be the first to know.
But I’m back here today, specifically, to throw a small heaping of international affairs f#%kery at you. Lately, North Korea has been incredibly naughty (read as: homicidal and destructive) and I’d be remiss if I didn’t write about it.
So, here’s what’s going on in East Asia right now. It all started with a war.
Amidst the rubble of a charred and devastated Pyongyang, a flame roared up into the air as it engulfed the flag at North Korea’s feet. He stared into the fire, which he knew to be a tragic and poetic metaphor for the raging, fervorous hatred burning inside of him.
“Burn, you sick bastard,” he said as stars and stripes crackled to blackness. “Burn for your sins and your depravity and your ugliness.”
At North Korea’s side, China strolled up to the pyre and used the flame to light a smoke. The other sneered.
“What are you doing? This is supposed to be a powerful moment.”
“Hm? Oh, did you want me to light one for you as well?”
“You make me sick.”
Why did I start at the end of the Korean War? Because for North Korea, everything is about the United States and the Korean War. Everything.
Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of recent events that have eventually lead us to a place where Chinese officials are practically begging (subtly, of course) for the US and North Korea to get their shit together and avoid a head-on collision.
- China freezes coal imports from North Korea, which many believe will cause a huge blow to the North’s economy. North Korea says, “That sucks, but okay.”
- North Korean leader Kim Jong-un allegedly murders his half-brother by hiring assassins to use a highly toxic chemical poison on him in a crowded Malaysian airport.
- Malaysia, China, and the US freak out.
- Malaysia sends the North Korean ambassador back home, and ties between Malaysia and North Korea start going to hell.
- North Korea prevents Malaysian citizens inside of the DPRK from leaving. Basically trapping them there as retaliation for Malaysia investigating Kim Jong-nam’s murder.
- And the icing on the cake? North Korea tested a nuclear missile to simulate striking American military bases in Japan.
- Things are getting really spicy!
So, now, we’re here. And where is here, exactly? Well…
China shoved the newspaper at his comrade. The headline read something about Malaysian “hostages.”
“What have you done?” North Korea opened his mouth but China interupted. “Better yet, why?”
A question China asked often. Too often. He’d been asking himself for as long as he could remember, and even more so in the past seventy years.
“Why did I do it? Because I’m not going to let her slander me for the entire international community to see–to accuse me of a crime I didn’t–”
“North Korea, stop!” So jarring was China’s raised voice that North Korea did, in fact, shut up. “Do you have any respect left for yourself? You are utterly alienating the only people left who can actually tolerate you!”
“China,” North Korea said softly. “China, you need to calm down.”
China stood up sharply and shoved his chair in. “I need fresh air.”
North Korea followed at his heel as he stormed down the hallway. “Consider this a lesson.”
“A lesson! What wisdom do you have to offer me, sage?”
“You and the others can sanction me, but I’ll find a way around it. You can tell me not to do something, and I will do it. If you want me to bow to a foreign power, be it you or the US or anyone else, you’ll have to break my legs!”
They reached the balcony and China grabbed the railing before leaning over it staring at the ground below. Oh, how blissful the sweet release of death would feel…
“China? China? Are you even listening to me? No, of course you’re not. That would require you to actually have respect for me!”
And landed in the pool.
North Korea gaped from the balcony then shouted down at him. “You… you idiot!”
You feeling very confident about the future? It’s okay. Humanity has been able to avoid nuclear war for a long time. We can avoid it for a few more years.
Follow my Twitter if you like keeping up with world news the fun way. Together, let’s watch how this plays out.