North Korea’s Valentine’s Day Message to You

Your worth is never determined by who loves you or who you have sex with.

Header image for Valentine's Day post

Hello. I am the DPRK, known to you reactionaries as “north Korea.” Last year, I wrote a truly inspiring and profound article for this website. That very article received over 1 million likes within the first hour alone. However, only 15 likes are showing at the moment–a technical error on the fault of WordPress.com, a known bourgeoisie puppet.

Today, I am back on this evening of Western debauchery to deliver a very important message.

Love yourself.

Throughout my life, I have discovered the truths of love and now I’m going to share them with you. (I have also discovered that it helps to stand in front of the mirror and repeat these to yourself often.)

Here are the facts:

No one is ever going to be good enough for you, except you.

You are the only one who can complete you.

The only person who knows what is best for you is you.

Nobody will be able to make you happier than you can.

You are beautiful.

You are perfect.

You are a diamond and everyone else is dirt.

Can your feeble mind grasp my infinite knowledge? Good.  Here’s what you do with your new insights:

You must be the very best you can be, for you.

You must be happy and thriving, for you.

You must live for yourself.

You must love yourself.

My own flawless advice has helped carry me through 70 long years of the world violently f**king me over and over and over and over and over again.

So now I demand that you, reader, also put my words into practice and see just how much your life improves. Go on, you shining chollima! Cast off the shackles of self-doubt! Free yourself from the petty concept you call “romance!”

(When you do finally reach happiness, you can thank me personally by sending gifts. I like chocolate and enriched uranium, if anyone’s wondering.)

As I bring this to a close, I want you to remember one final thing:

Your worth is never determined by who loves you or who you have sex with. Your worth is determined by

[REMAINDER OF ARTICLE HAS BEEN CUT BY THE EDITOR DUE TO RACIAL INSENSITIVITY]


Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

If you enjoyed North Korea’s message of positivity, spread the joy by sharing this post on your fave social media sites. And if you like political humor, check out the Valentine’s cards I posted the other day.

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an author, nerd, and international relations major who does not get paid to make bad political jokes--yet. When she's not writing or gushing about global affairs, she's playing video games. One day she will have a Ph.D., speak Korean fluently, and command an army of chihuahuas.

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