Please vote in the US 2016 election.

“You’ve been screwing me big time in trade. Well guess what? I’m gonna screw you. I’m gonna screw you so hard–twice as hard as you’ve ever screwed me. You get that? I’m gonna be the best screwer you’ve seen. Believe me.”

VOTE IN THIS 2016 ELECTION
Photo by personalincome.org

A MESSAGE FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:

Hillary Clinton. Donalds Trump. Election. Comey. Russia. ISIS. China. Emails.

Okay now that that SEO junk is outta the way, please hear me out.

You gotta vote. I know you’re thinking, “But they both suck” or “I’m a socialist so I hate both candidates and I want Bernie back” or even “F*** the system, I’m not gonna vote!”

Listen, if you don’t vote, the terrorists win.

Voting isn’t just a right, it’s your only shot at making sure that a raving asshat isn’t running your country.

I won’t tell you who to vote for. But to encourage you to actually carry yourself to the polls, you can read on for two WORST CASE SCENARIOS if either candidate gets elected. If it scares you, use your voting power to prevent a terrible future–just one of them, anyway.


IF TRUMP WINS

Everyone stood outside of America’s house, waiting with racing hearts and sweaty brows. The election results would be in, any second now. Someone was going to walk out of the door, and it wasn’t going to be the America they used to know.

After agonizing minutes–maybe even hours–the door finally opened. America stepped out composed and quiet and looking no different than he had the day before.

He looked around at everyone, eyes panning slowly. He opened his mouth. Shouting followed. “To hell with you, to hell with you, and to hell with you!” He’d begun pointing to both allies and enemies alike as he cursed them. Japan. South Korea. China. France. Germany. Lithuania. “To hell with all ya’ll! Except Israel.” He shot her a kissy face.”You ma’ girl.”

Mexico’s eyes nearly rolled back in their sockets. “This is it. I’m done. I’m getting out of here. Have fun dealing with the Orange Monster, everyone.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” America said. “You better get gone.” He made his way over to Japan. “Hey, I have some nukes for you.”

She stared up at him. “…I don’t want them.”

“You won’t be saying that when you go to war with North Korea. Speaking of,” America said, cocking his head in North Korea’s direction. “Why is he even still alive? China, I told you months ago to assassinate him.”

“And I believe,” China said, “that I told you to piss off.”

“Oh, Mr. Tough Guy, huh? You know what, buddy?” America started stomping over to China in a very thuggish, or perhaps Sasquatch-like, manner. “You’ve been screwing me big time in trade. Well guess what? I’m gonna screw you. I’m gonna screw you so hard–twice as hard as you’ve ever screwed me. You get that? I’m gonna be the best screwer you’ve ever seen. Believe me.”

China smiled. “Or you could just shoot me in the head right here and now so that I never have to think about what you just said to me ever again.”

“Oh, stop acting like a big guy. I’ve seen those sissy soap operas you watch. They suck.”

What did you just say?”

CUE WORLD WAR 3


IF CLINTON WINS

Everyone stood outside of America’s house, waiting with racing hearts and sweaty brows. The election results would be in, any second now. Someone was going to walk out of the door, and it wasn’t going to be the America they used to know.

After agonizing minutes–maybe even hours–the door finally opened. America stepped out composed and quiet and looking no different than he had the day before.

He stood in the doorway and carefully scanned the crowd. Then he spotted her. His eyes narrowed dangerously. “Russia.”

Before she could even say vhat, he leaped forward like a ravenous cougar and he tackled her to the ground.

CUE WORLD WAR 3

Author: sarahbruso

International relations major, certified nerd, and suffering writer. I dig humor, video games, and global politics.

4 thoughts on “Please vote in the US 2016 election.”

  1. i saw your blog at the community pool and decided to check it out. This post is hilarious, and now i’m definitely following for more 🙂 Keep writing, and maybe the election results won’t be that bad!

    Like

  2. This was so awesome…very creative and entertaining….I loved the abstract approach you took…humanizing the countries, so cool. I look forward to reading more (I will do so later this evening or tomorrow at the latest). Thank you for reading/commenting on my post. Great to meet you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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