Canada called up Mexico one evening.
“Hey, you haven’t seen America, have you? He’s not picking up his phone and he’s ignoring all my messages.”
“You didn’t hear? Said he hacked into North Korea’s Google Calendar and found a secret meeting with Russia and China. Said he was mad. Said he was gonna have his own secret meeting with Japan and the nicer Korea.”
“How is it a secret if you know about it?”
“He likes irony, I guess.”
She shook her head. “Whatever. I hope they have fun with that. Probably will be up all night talking about nuclear weapons. Maybe something good will come of it.”
“You’re being too optimistic.”
America slid in from the foyer–literally, as his socks allowed him to glide across the tile. He poked his head into the living room where Japan and South Korea were sitting apart from each other and generally avoiding eye contact.
They didn’t notice him until he exclaimed, “Who’s ready for McDonald’s 24-hour breakfast?!”
South Korea was shoveling her third hash brown into her food hole while America passionately slurped on a McFlurry and Japan squirted ketchup onto her tongue from the packet.
“I”m gonna die,” South Korea with a hand over her mouth to conceal the fact it was kind of full of food. “This is so good, I’m gonna die.”
“Don’t die yet, man.” America started jabbing at his eggs with a fork. “We still gotta talk about nukes and stuff.”
“Is it too late to order nuggets?” South Korea asked after taking a very big gulp of her strawberry shake. “Let’s order like, 50 nuggets. To go. And fries. So many fries.”
Just then Japan slammed the empty bottle of orange juice she’d been chugging down on the table. “JUICE ME!”
On the car drive home, they blasted loud music with the windows down.
South Korea shouted above the pop and rushing breeze. “I know what I just did to my body made it careen closer and closer toward death, but I feel alive! Like, life is good and has a purpose and everything is okay even though it’s not!”
America craned his neck in her direction but kept his eyes on the road. “It’s ’cause the food is like, making your endorphins go crazy, or something.”
Then the music from America’s phone switched over to Come Sail Away and South Korea gasped. “This is my SHIT!”
In the back, Japan started to silently groove and jive.
“Is this what death feels like?” Asked a South Korea doubling over on the couch.
“Do you need some of the Pink Magic?” America asked, setting up his laptop on the coffee table.
South Korea looked at him, face scrunched up in discomfort. “The what? Oh–god. Don’t call it that.”
“I think Japan is actually dead.” America looked to the somewhat lifeless body collapsed, face down, over in the corner. “I didn’t think food comas were real. It never happened to me before, no matter how much I ate.”
“She clearly has a weaker constitution than you do.”
“I should know. I wrote it.” They both broke out in laughter until South Korea had to suddenly grab her stomach.
“Hey, do you just wanna watch LCS or something?” She suggested. “I feel like if I start thinking about my brother and China, I might actually yartz.”
And so the Super Secret Meeting for Regional Security in East Asia (A.K.A. F*** North Korea, China, and Russia) concluded with not a word about regional security ever being spoken.
The LCS (League Championship Series) is an e-sports competition for the game League of Legends. It is apparently, according to my awful friends who play that game still, on-going right now as teams from all regions and continents face off for true glory, or something. But everyone knows the Koreans are just going to win again.
After World War 2, Douglas MacArthur, an American military general, and his band of merry men drafted a new constitution for Japan. They did this with Japan’s older Meiji Constitution and American democratic ideals in mind.
McDonald’s did not pay or ask me to write this.