Trumpified

Donald Trump
Photo by tiburi

Trump says some awful things, right? Most of it is pretty ridiculous. It becomes even more ridiculous when we pretend to attribute his quotes to countries that didn’t actually say these things, but very well could have.


“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” – America, talking about himself
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.” – China
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” – Also China
“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” – Russia

“Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault” – North Korea
“The point is, you can never be too greedy.” – England
“I will be so good at the military your head will spin.” – Prussia, probably
“I don’t even consider myself ambitious.” – Japan in 1941
“My motto is: Always get even. When somebody screws you, screw them back in spades.” – America
“I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it’s literally going to cease to exist.” – Canada
“I don’t want to use the word ‘screwed,’ but I screwed him.” – France
“I made a lot of money and I made it too easily, to the point of boredom.” – Switzerland
“My marriage, it seemed, was the only area of my life in which I was willing to accept something less than perfection.” – Austria
“I think Eminem is fantastic.” – Cuba
“It would take an hour and a half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. … I think I know most of it anyway.” – North Korea
“Some people aren’t meant to be rich.” – The G7, collectively
“I think Bush is probably the worst president in the history of the United States.” – Iraq
“No, I’m not into anal.” – America, lying to himself

Notes

Ya’ll watchin’ the debate tonight?

Quotes found on Marie Claire, Fusion, USA Today, and Town Hall.

If you want to see my other Trump article, check out my story “America First” a.k.a. “Let’s kill all my relationships”

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an author, nerd, and international relations major who loves bad political jokes. When she's not writing or gushing about global affairs, she's playing video games. One day she will have a Ph.D., speak Korean fluently, and command an army of chihuahuas.

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