Ever feel like you should keep up with the news more but then figure the task is too daunting, depressing, or both? Fear not. I’m here to try to condense notable world happenings into easily digestible nuggets of fun.
This past week…
Brazil handed off the Olympic flag to Japan, whose burning wish it is to in 2020 at least have a cooler opening ceremony than China’s.
A top North Korean diplomat defected to South Korea. The DPRK responded by presenting evidence that the defector has a criminal past. If you think that is a little too convenient, you’ve clearly been brainwashed by the North Korea-hating West.
Like walls, like bridges; China opened the highest and longest glass-bottom bridge over its Zhangjiajie Grand Canyon. Was it necessary? Maybe. Was it awesome? Oh yeah.
In India, a man addicted to knife swallowing had to have 40 of them removed from his stomach. He claims that he didn’t think swallowing a knife a day for two months would hurt him. Humans are incredible.
Britons are flocking to New Zealand to escape the horrible mistake that some know as “Brexit” and others know as “Oh gosh, we fucked up.”
Ireland hosted its 7th Redhead Convention, and if I wasn’t bitter about the fact that I’m no longer a redhead, I would be in full support of this.
A “mysterious fireball” lit up the Scottish sky. Scientists claimed it was a meteor, but really it was a rare UFO sighting marking the monthly meeting that the aliens in control of the Scottish government and the aliens in control of the English government get together for tea.
Iran claimed it could be good friends with Saudi Arabia. But after a quick Google search of “Iran Saudi Arabia” in which most results have something to do with war and rivalry, that statement sounds a little optimistic. Still, I’m rootin’ for ’em.
Syrian doctor successfully performed an emergency c-section during a blackout. Again, humans are incredible.
Bolivia opened an “anti-Imperialism” military school in order to combat US foreign policy in Latin America. I know a lot of communists on Tumblr who would be happy about this.
After the Olympics, Rio is struggling with the fact that it still doesn’t have any money.
Leaders of the US, Canada, and Mexico shared an awkward three-way handshake rife with sexual tension. (Maybe I’m reading a little too much into it).
And this concludes the news round-up. If you can think of any important news worth sharing, spread the word in the comment section.