What’s a superpower without generosity?

America firmly believed in the prolific words of the great Kanye West: “My presence is a present, kiss my ass.” But for whatever reason, people still expected to receive actual gifts on their birthday and other special occasions. So America made damn sure to give the best gifts ever.

On October 1st, America gave China a nice t-shirt:

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The year before, he graced China with this:

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BJ. You know! Beijing.

On White Day, America sent this to South Korea:

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She LOVED it.

On Japan’s White Day, America gifted her a sultry pillow case to remember him by:

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For Christmas, he sent North Korea a gift card:

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Sources say North Korea was spotted spending this somewhere in Shanghai

 

Russia’s birthday was easy:

 

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She did NOT like this

This one was absolutely perfect for Germany, who loves beer and, as America asserts, “probably needs medication of some kind:”

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For England’s birthday, America dared to be a little self-aware:

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This poignant gift was sent to Canada on July 1st:

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This gift was only fitting for Switzerland on Valentine’s Day:

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He wanted to give this to Ukraine back in 2015, but decided it was probably too problematic (and still too soon):

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Out of pure love, he gave this one to France:

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He said I was so thoughtful ❤

But the best gifts of all were the ones America gave to himself. For reasons.

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I could drink for days on North Korea’s tears alone
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This is what I look like naked. Trust me.
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I need this with 6 straws all funneling to my mouth at once.

If you think of a gift that would be perfect for so-and-so, drop a comment. America appreciates any and all ideas.

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an author, nerd, and international relations major who does not get paid to make bad political jokes--yet. When she's not writing or gushing about global affairs, she's playing video games. One day she will have a Ph.D., speak Korean fluently, and command an army of chihuahuas.

4 thoughts on “What’s a superpower without generosity?”

  1. Oh. My goodness. Where has this post been all my life? This is pure gold. I laughed so hard that I think I may have bruised the sides of my cheeks irreparably (wisdom teeth removal a few days back, don’t worry about it). Yes, America is a prideful ass-hole at times, and every other country thinks so too. It’s not like we care. We’ve got the six-pack abs of your dreams bro, and Kylie Jenner. Don’t forget Kylie Jenner.
    I can’t. This post makes me want to be friends with you. Can we be friends? (haha jk I’m kidding). But…maybe?

    Liked by 2 people

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