Security Council Vlog 1

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In an empty Security Council Chamber, America and China sat in front of a camera in silence.

After some time, right when things were getting awkward, America turned to his partner said, “Hey. Hey. China. Ask me what my first language is.”

China side-eyed him skeptically, but went along with it because that was easier than not going along with it. “What is your first language?”

“Shit talk.”

China stared at America’s stupidly smug smile, so proud of a joke he’d probably seen on the Internet. “It’s on.”

“What?”

“We’re live.”

“Oh!” America ran a hand through his hair, straightened himself up, and looked directly into the camera. “Hello, countries of the world! Lately, as in like, the past fifty years, the United Nations has come under some criticism and people are starting to lose faith.” He looked down briefly, as if overcome by regret. “That’s why the Security Council has deiced to start a video blog series in order to, uh, cultivate a sense of trust and transparency. We’ll be talking about key global issues and our thoughts on how to deal with these problems. And we’re doing it all live, so there’s no bullshit, no cuts, no editing. This is real.”

America pointed to the man at his left. “Joining me today for our very first live vlog session is China.”

“They know who I am.”

“And guys, he’s not mad. That’s just what his face looks like.”

“Why don’t we talk about pressing security issues that might interest our viewers?”

“You know, during the Cold War I used to get this reoccurring dream,” America started, almost as if he hadn’t heard China. “It was the same thing every time. I’m somewhere with Russia–maybe a meeting, maybe a Burger King, maybe at the Berlin Wall. And she’d turn into a bear. A bear. And then she’d just–she’d straight up eat me. Rip me apart. I’d wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing. And the question–the one question that burned over and over in my mind every time was ‘is it cannibalism if she’s a bear?'”

China stared at him for a while, mouth hanging open ever so slightly. Then he cleared his throat. “Again, perhaps we should talk about issues that might concern our fellow UN members?”

“Hey!” America brought his hand down on top of the desk like a good idea had just hit him. “Let’s talk about the South China Sea.”

“Don’t you think it might be unwise to discuss such a charged issue if we aim to foster an atmosphere of warmth and friendship?”

“Nah,” America said. “I wanna talk about the South China Sea. It’s not often that everyone hates you, or anyone, more than they hate me. I like it.”

“I veto this.”

America jerked his head as if he’d been smacked silly. “You what?”

“I veto this discussion.”

“It doesn’t work like that. You can’t do that.”

“I’m China. I can do whatever I want.”

“It’s that attitude that got you into this South China Sea mess in the first—”

“Veto.”

“Oh! Okay! Now you’re vetoing me talking?”

“Yes.”

“That’s bull—”

“Veto.”

“—shit.”

In the end, they had to cut the video short because no progress was being made and China kept vetoing America’s every action. If nothing else, at least they were able to emulate real UN meetings.

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an author, nerd, and international relations major who does not get paid to make bad political jokes--yet. When she's not writing or gushing about global affairs, she's playing video games. One day she will have a Ph.D., speak Korean fluently, and command an army of chihuahuas.

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