History Share is a blogging event for people who love enthusing about the past. In my original post, I invited fellow geeks and writers to talk about an event in history that they thought was pretty cool. The goal is to share knowledge in a fun way and connect with like-minded bloggers.
It’s been a week since then and now it’s time to share what we’ve written. You can do this by tagging your post with historyshare and dropping the link in the comments section. If you didn’t get a chance to participate this time there’s always (probably) next month!
For mine, a friend asked me to explain the French and Indian War. Here it goes.
The French and Indian War (1754–1763)
This was actually the Seven Years’ War. Over in Europe it was called the Seven Years’ War while over in North America it was called the French and Indian War. And it wasn’t even between the French and North America’s indigenous peoples (many were allied with France actually), it was between the French and the British. Because when you’ve got two imperialists assholes who both want to be the best imperialist asshole, war happens.
So, over in North America, the British colonies (British America) were fighting the French colonies (New France). That being said, I’ll let America and Canada take it from here.
America: It all started over territory. France saw that juicy land in the Ohia River valley and was like, “Daaamn I need me some of that.”
Canada: Do you ever get embarrassed when you talk?
Canada: Because I get embarrassed when you talk.
America: Anyway, we weren’t havin’ it. You gotta understand something. France and Britain have hated each other since forever. So when France tries to expand his colonial territory, therefore encroaching on probably his biggest rival, shit goes down.
Canada: That “shit” was a series of back-and-forth battles that began in Virginia. Uh, the Battle of Jumonville Glen, I think it was?
America: Which we totally won. Geroge Washington ambushed a bunch of French-Canadians at some fort. Was cool.
Canada: People died, America.
America: I know.
Canada: I’m starting to feel embarrassed for you again. Anyway, there were a lot of battles. In 1757, the British failed a major expedition to Louisbourg and then failed again to siege Fort William Henry. Needless to say, that was a pretty low point for them.
America: Yeah, but then Brad Pitt became Prime Minister.
Canada: William Pitt.
Canada: Pitt had a new plan for the military. Britain began pouring a lot of resources into the war in North America while but France focused on Europe and his fight with Prussia.
America: You know, Britain basically paid Prussia to fight France–not that she didn’t have her own reasons for fighting France and Austria anyway. But the extra cash from us definitely sweetened things.
Canada: Here’s the fun part. Even though Great Britain captured Quebec, they ended up losing the actual Battle of Quebec. Irony.
America: And the even funner part was that although the French beat us in Quebec, they still ended up giving up Canada. Partly because it was agreed to in the eventual treaty, and partly because she was really annoying and he was looking to get rid of her anyway.
Canada: That’s not funny. It was a confusing time of my life. I went through an identity crisis.
America: If it makes you feel better, you turned out fine, all things considered.
Canada: You mean that?
America: Anyway, back to France’s humiliating defeat.
America: France also had to give up all of his territory east of Mississippi. Spain, who was France’s friend and therefore pretty salty he’d just lost a ton of territory to the British, was given French Louisiana. It was basically France’s way of saying, “Hey, sorry to hear that you lost Florida in this mess. Take Louisianna and forgive me? Please?”
Canada: And all that sort of affirmed Britain’s status as the dominant colonial power in North America. But, hey, at least I was on the winning side in 1812.
America: We are not getting into this right now.
Canada: Alright, but let’s just agree on something. The war over here was pretty mild compared to how it went down in Europe. I mean, there were some major powers and big names involved–Prussia, Austria, Russia? We got a fraction of that.
America: Yeah, well, they were always going to war over there. There was at least, like, twenty wars every century. Now they’re all hippies.
Canada: Not really? There’s still a number of European countries involved in domestic and international conflicts. Just because someone isn’t as big of a jerk as you doesn’t mean they’re not still a jerk.
America: Okay, but consider this: We beat you in 1763 and that’s all that matters right now.
Canada: You hear that, everyone? He beat us.
America: Sorry, Canada. You can’t win ’em all.
Canada: You’d know all about that, eh?