Virtual “coffee dates” have been a way for bloggers to create a sense of conversational intimacy with their readers. But because my characters are way more interesting than I am, I’ll let them handle this. Today, discover the latest happenings in America’s life (i.e., US foreign policy) during this special one-on-one with the United States. Lucky you!
America isn’t drinking coffee. He’s drinking a large caramel frappuccino. Loudly.
“Man, I just don’t know,” he says earnestly. “I kind of get where he’s coming from with the wall, but, like… do I really wanna be known as the guy with a huge wall between him and his neighbor? That sounds like some straight up Soviet bullshit. And let me be clear—Soviet bullshit is not what I strive for in life.'”
He slurps more.
The drink is gone, America. You’re not going to get any more out. Just stop.
“Oh! And speaking of Russia?” His tone picks up, as does his irritation. “She has no freakin’ chill. Metaphorically, I mean. Of course she has a literal chill, she’s Russia.”
He looks around awkwardly, knowing, in a rare moment of self-realization, that he sounds stupid. And then he pretends like it never happened.
“Anyway,” he says, straw between his teeth, “Russia agrees to extend the Syrian ceasefire and that’s good, right? End the Syrian civil war, okay, let’s do it. But she’s also flipping a shit over NATO. Well, Russia, here’s a little something. NATO, the organization we put together for the basically the sole purpose of countering your aggression, wouldn’t have to deploy troops in Poland and the Baltics if you weren’t crazy!”
America conveniently does not mention that he too is crazy.
“And Japan? She says she wants to make friends with Russia. She wants to get all buddy-buddy. I’m like,’ Japan, listen… You don’t wanna futz with that, okay? I’ve been there, done that. It’s not a road you wanna go down.'”
He doesn’t reach for his empty cup this time. Instead he orders a bagel. Maybe he’s learning.
“I feel like the more I complain about Russia, the more power I give her. So, I’m gonna complain about someone else.”
One half of the bagel is slathered in sour cream. The other half is covered in peanut butter and maple syrup.
“Uh, okay, let’s see…” He waves a knife around as he thinks. “There’s China, North Korea, Mexico, Syria, France… Canada! That’s who I wanna talk about.”
The maple syrup bagel is now either intentional or really coincidental.
“She….” America drags the last syllable out and, with a furrowed brow, stares off for a moment as if he’s struggling to come up with a complaint. Finally, he gets it. “Her face,” he says in a low voice. “It bothers me sometimes. Maybe if she had different glasses or something.”
He gets up and tucks his hands into his pockets. “Okay, well, I’ve got a very fun appointment with England and Japan where we’re gonna talk about containing the spread of mega STD. Good stuff.”
But as he walks away, right before he makes it too far, he turns back.
“Oh my god. And you know what? Canada’s been trying to build up an alliance with Russia too—even after totally blowing her off in 2014! Is everyone you love suddenly making friends with the worst person on earth what hell feels like? Because I think I’m in hell. Pretty sure I’ve been there since the 50s.” He puts up a hand as if to wave without actually waving. “Anyway, it’s been real.”
Mega STD refers to this strand of anti-biotic resistant gonorrhea that could possibly reach the US. Having a nearly non-existant sex drive has never felt better!
– Learn more about Russia’s response to NATO here; basically, there was an incident over the Baltic Sea leading to increased tensions and military presence from both sides.
– Learn more about Japan warming up to Russia here; basically, Japan hates China and will make friends with anyone who threatens him. Okay, it’s really not that simple but that’s definitely part of it.
– Learn more about Canada warming up to Russia here; basically, Canada hasn’t liked Russia whole lot in the past but is now trying to salvage the relationship. She probably just wants to go to hockey games with someone who isn’t America.