Life advice from North Korea

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Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un visits the Korean People’s Army Breeding Station No. 621 to impart great wisdom. Today I have the honor of following in his footsteps.

Hello. I am the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Commonly, I am known as North Korea, but you should know that this “nickname” was given to me by my oppressors.

Today I have been tasked with sharing my endless knowledge about life, in the hope that it will help you better yourselves*.  Please read on for these tactical life “hacks.”

1. Never keep your emotions bottled up

Doing so is unhealthy. You should always express your anger, especially in situations where you have been unjustly treated. If your enemy is in the room, make sure to let him know at all times that you want to kill him. You may want to draw pictures depicting you harming and/or defeating him in some way. This usually helps to drive the message in. Remember, censor your thoughts and beliefs, but never censor your emotions.

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This is an example poster. Notice how we are killing the Yankee bastard with his own weapon. Haha.

2. Set clear goals for yourself

It is always good to know exactly what you want out of life and how you will achieve it. You can start by setting small, achievable goals then working your way up to larger and more ambitious goals. For example, a small goal would be to have another nuclear reactor operational within the next year. This will pave the way for a bigger goal: the complete annihilation of the United States and the reunification of Korea under a socialist government. Your goals will probably differ from mine, but you get the idea.

3. Learn responsibility

Some might say that the true mark of adulthood is finally learning to take responsibility for your actions. That is false. The true mark of adulthood is finally learning that you must always blame others for your problems. Every one of your misfortunes have been and will be the result of another person’s wrongdoings. For example, if you are in a bad financial situation, it might be because someone took advantage of you. If you are experiencing relationship problems, it is because your partner does not respect you and your needs. Once you learn to play the victim in every situation, you will live a completely guilt-free life.

4. Become self-sufficient

While relying on the help of others may sound appealing at first, you have to realize one important fact: Everyone in this world is out to hurt you. The man you pass on the street likely wants to rob you, the co-worker you sit beside likely plots against you, and the family you love likely schemes to betray you. Even your wealthy neighbor who frequently gives you money cannot be trusted completely. In the end, the only person you can truly trust and rely on is yourself.

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5. Be persuasive

Having the power to get what you want is something others find impressive, intimidating, and cool. However, having your way is not always easy. If there is ever a situation in which people are ignoring your needs or desires, the best solution is to start drama. In my experience, threatening to attack my family has always persuaded others into giving me whatever I want. You may find that similar threats will benefit you. When you master the art of persuasion, you can effortlessly get anything from anyone.

Has your life been changed yet? If so, please tell all of your family and friends that North Korea is very smart and has helped you grow thanks to his wisdom.


 

* If you are American then you are hopeless. These tips will not help and you should just give up.

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an author, nerd, and international relations major who loves bad political jokes. When she's not writing or gushing about global affairs, she's playing video games. One day she will have a Ph.D., speak Korean fluently, and command an army of chihuahuas.

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