Who Should You Fight: Security Council edition

Photo by jsab CC
Photo by jspad CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Ever thought about brawling a member of the United Nations? Here’s some advice.

United States: Go for it. He’s a superpower but he’s prone to making mistakes. Start with a jab at American exceptionalism and follow up by telling him George Washington was a socialist. You can go in for the kill while he’s having an existential meltdown. There’s a good chance he’ll end up kicking his own ass.

Russia: Don’t futz with Russia. Just don’t. A lot of countries have been down that road and they’re never the same afterward–physically, emotionally, economically. She’ll have you crying ten seconds into the match. But hey, if you think you can fight through the stream of tears, power to ya. (Hint: If you have to, use the safeword ‘Sputnik’)

France: Don’t fight France. Not saying that you couldn’t win (because you probably could), but why would you want to? This country is responsible for baguettes, which are delicious. Look, he’s already the butt of enough surrender jokes to last a lifetime. Just leave France alone.

China: You probably don’t want to do this. The Qing dynasty may have gotten beaten up a lot, but 21st century China don’t mess around. Plus, he probably knows one-hundred different ways to kill someone with just his hands.

United Kingdom: Do it. Think you’ll have trouble fighting four countries at once? Nah. They’ll spend more time fighting each other than you. Just sit back and watch until there’s only one left, then pummel the survivor while they’re in a weakened state. Easy victory.

Author: Allison Black

Allison is an author, nerd, and international relations major who loves bad political jokes. When she's not writing or gushing about global affairs, she's playing video games. One day she will have a Ph.D., speak Korean fluently, and command an army of chihuahuas.

7 thoughts on “Who Should You Fight: Security Council edition”

  1. The impression that France is some kind of cheese eating surrender monkey is relatively recent (overrun in 1940, ejected from Vietnam in the 60s). Those modern mishaps aside, France is generally acknowledged to be history’s dominant military power. According to the historian Niall Ferguson, of the 125 major European wars fought since 1495, the French have participated in 50 – more than Austria (47) and England (43). Out of 168 battles fought since 387BC, they have won 109, lost 49 and drawn 10. (source QI).
    Also, not many full-on conflicts that the UK has lost in the past 300 years or so. American Revolutionary war (which was basically Brit v Brit anyway) is about the only one. And if anyone mentions 1812, that was while a rather more pressing war with France was raging and it ended in a draw not defeat. Yes, the 4 countries of the UK have some issues with each other, but if you start on one in a fight you generally have to take on the other 3 too. A proper dysfunctional family 🙂

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    1. See, this is what happens. You get screwed two times and nobody ever lets you live it down. France doesn’t deserve that. Especially since, as you pointed out, it has a history of being kind of badass.

      You have a point about the UK. If there’s anything I’ve learned from video games, it’s that you never fight 1v4.

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      1. Yep. After WW1 (which very nearly killed France) he discovered Jazz which meant he became more interested in being cool than badass. And I love how cool and generally wonderful France is… red wine, baguettes, la soleil et la mer. C’est tres bien. Bouff.
        As for the UK, in a fight the always stand on the opposite side of a body of water so that they can’t be easily hurt and then suddenly they appear on the opponents side with some lead piping and knuckledusters borrowed off America.

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