It was around 7pm when America’s phone began screaming. He’d let it ring for five seconds too long.
“You treacherous, abusive, bloodthirsty—”
“Hi, North Korea.”
“—despicable, imperialist lackey!”
“Do not patronize me! You should know exactly why I’m calling.”
“Did I look at your side of the world the wrong way again or something?
“Ooh. Oooh! Aren’t you funny! Well, do you know what’s not funny?” And he added quickly to prevent the other from slipping in a snide answer, “Your biased, deceitful, aggressor propaganda!”
“You’ll have to be more specific.”
“Hmm. Okay. I’ll give you a hint: two dirty, Western journalists infiltrate my beautiful homeland and plot to assassinate my Supreme Leader.” With each word his tone intensified. By the end, he was teeming with unadulterated, North Korean rage. “Does that ring a bell?”
It took America a second.
“Oh my god. Oh my god. That? You’re talking about that?”
“Don’t bring religion into this, pig! You just love trying to manipulate your naive, brainless masses, don’t you? What do you think you’re going to accomplish, hm?”
“Uh, a blockbuster hit and a big profit?”
“Oh! Making a profit at the expensive of the little guys! How very capitalist of you. I know you think I’m a joke,” he hissed. “You’ll disrespect Kim Jong-un and misrepresent me as much as you want because you know you can get away with it, is that right? You are walking a very thin line, whitey.”
“What are you gonna do about it?”
“Prepare your hangmun for a stern punishment.”
“Is that a threat?”
“Yes, it is. I hope you feel threatened.”
“Oh, I’m so scared”
Up until that point, North Korea wasn’t even that mad. Sure, he was fuming a bit, but that was kind of normal. He had planned on playing the victim and not even threatening anyone (too much) this time, but America had shown him nothing but disrespect from the start. That was intolerable.
“You aren’t talking me seriously, are you? Mark my words, right-wing dog, I’m going to turn Washington into a sea of fire. I’m going to send fallout raining down across your country. I’m—”
“Going to see the film on opening night, right?”
“Of course I am, idiot.”